Saturday, November 27, 2010


An apprentice once complained too much. His master ordered him to pour a handful of salt in a glass of water and drink it. He did it, even though the water was bitter and foul.

Then the master took him to a lake, ordered him to throw in the same amount of salt, and drink again. This time, the water was fresh and clean. This shows us the discomfort is in how we respond and perceive trials.

Will you be drinking water from the lake or the glass?

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Happy Thanksgiving

It's Thanksgiving! It's always mind blowing to me how quickly the Holiday season comes around each year; but nevertheless I love it anyway.

I am so blessed with so many things to be thankful for, and I'm not sure where to start. Guess I'll just jump in

Today, I am thankful for my husband and son. They mean the world to me, and make me smile so many times a day, I wonder if I ever even smiled before.

I am thankful for my family. I can honestly depend on my family for anything, and I love that we can come together so easily without hating each other at the end of the day.

I am thankful for my job. I have such amazing co-workers, that they make a wonderful job even better at the end of the day. In the same vein of thought, I'm thankful for my paycheck. Without it, the rest of my life might not be so cheery.

I'm thankful for my friends. I have met and befriended some of the met amazing people in my life, and I'm so blessed to know each of them. (Whether we've met in person or not doesn't even seem to matter.)

I'm thankful for the roof over my house, the warm air that fills it, and the laughs that happen in it daily.

I honestly live a blessed life. I know this, and couldn't be any happier about it.

Happy Thanksgiving Y'all.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

How's Your Skin?

Or, maybe I mean, How do you feel in it?

I've always been over weight, but I'm honestly ok with how I look. I would love to lose some weight, but I don't freak out and stress about it. It naturally fluxuates, and I could work harder to lose, but I'm too caught up in life (and excuses) right now.

I can always rely on the things I do like about myself to keep my self esteem boosted. I don't really need outside input to feel good about myself, but there are people and the things they say that always helps.

How do you feel in your skin? Are you ok with enough of yourself that you are ok with the whole? Is there anything or anyone who makes you feel better?

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Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Growing up, revisited

A little while ago, I posted about growing up.

After talking with a friend the other day, I realized my big issue with people who can't get over small things is the amount of relativity in their lives.

When you grow up in a nice house, in a nice part of town, with parents who always work full time jobs, or better yet have a stay at home parent, that love and cherish you, chance's are you're a pretty sheltered person. I don't mean that in the negatively connotated way that many do. I mean, literally, you are sheltered to the adversity that many others suffer through in their lives.

Empathy can only get you so far. You need to live through eating grilled cheese and working two jobs to really get what I'm saying. As a parent, I've struggled, but more so, I've seen it as a child. I've lived through it. I've worked (maybe not as hard as I should have) to achieve a better life for myself and my family.

Which makes it hard for me to get how anyone could actually care about trivial, meaningless things like what someone posts on facebook. And again, I don't mean that all things posted on facebook are trivial. Bullying, in adults and teens a like, is rampant on social networking sites, blogs included. By trivial, I mean who cares if someone posts the same thing you post or doesn't agree with what you say. Those things are small fries in comparison to real world people who are fighting to keep the electricity on and feed their kids.

If you've never had that real world adversity in your life, then it might actually be world ending if your junior class chooses prom glasses that you don't like. But the loss of a grandparent, two grandparent-in-laws, and the birth of my child later, I honestly don't care.

If you follow my facebook, then you'll see just how much I don't care. I say it a lot. I don't care about immature, teenage crap. I don't care (nothing personal if the person who posted this is reading what I wrote on fb last night, just a great example) if my husband goes out and drinks with his friends. As long as he's not becoming an alcoholic and sleeping with other women, I don't see an issue with his being out whenever he chooses to, doing whatever he chooses to do. He's an adult, and I trust (No, I KNOW) that he wouldn't do anything to hurt himself, me or our son. I don't care. I don't care if he has facebook friends who are women, and posts on their walls. Why would I care? I have guy friends, and post on their walls. I posted on his best friends wall last night.

With all of that said, professionally, I know that their are people who care, and with reason. I know that there are mental disorders (anxiety being a big one) that cause some insecurities and other things that can lead to people caring. If you're one of those people, you've been excused from my semi (but not really) rant.

Of course, doesn't change the fact, that I really don't care. Maybe I'm too apathetic and dissociative, but that's a whole other blog post. : )

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Wednesday, November 10, 2010


Is there a person in your life that has never let you down?

I have one of those peeople in my life, so I'm going to take a quick second to recognize him.

My grandpa was born on November 10th, 1939. He was a middle child with several sisters and brothers. They lived, among many places, in a small shack near the river. As a teen, he loved building and driving fast cars, and dating girls.

He married my grandma on 03/14/59, the day before her seventeenth birthday. They had three children in three years, all girls. He worked countless odd jobs to support them, and loved to do hands on arts and other crafts.

In the mid sixties, my grandmother was diagnosed with Hodkin's Lymphoma and he picked his family up and moved them to Colorado. The hospital there was better for cancer patients; and he really wanted to prove that he could take care of his family on his own.

While living in Colorado, and doing other countless jobs like grave digging, he was dianosed with Multiple Sclerosis. He continued working, and eventually came back to Oklahoma when my grandmother was in remission.

They moved back to her family farm, where he still lives today.

In the late 1980's my grandma began having increasing difficulty with her vision, and by the late 1990's was completely blind. He took care of her every need and put up with her many demands. He put up with his own illness and issues, never stopping to be the victim, and did every trivial task from making her cereal to driving her around. Once she became more acclimated to her vision loss, she enrolled in the tech school nearby to become a medical transcriptionist. He took her daily to class, and picked me up from school on the way home.

On my sixteenth birthday, they sent me an orange/pink rose. I kept it for years before it distengrated from moving.

When my grandma became sick again he dealt with her constant pain, lack of motivation to do anything, and inability to eat much more than cereal. He didn't complain much, just did what he'd promised to do the day they married.

Let me just say, for the record, times weren't always great. They bickered a LOT. But they still loved each other and were a great example of how powerful the vows we take when married truly are.

My grandma passed away in 2006, and as hard as that was I can't imagine my life without him. I know that one day it will happen, but I pray often that his happy, relatively healthy life will continue for a long time to come.

That was his life, and his trials. His daily life of caring for his spouse, but where does anyone else play into that? Well, when he could no longer work and was placed on disability, he and my grandma were my primary care-givers while my mother worked.

I spent more time running through damp grass and playing in dirt than most girls every dream of. As I grew, I still spent as much time there as I could. He and I would watch TV, or I would just go and sit at the computer enjoying being in their house, with them. He was always there if I needed anything, and is continually so today.

I'm sure most girls feel this way about their dads, but as mine took a little longer to grow up than most, My Poppy was my fill in Dad.

Anyone who knows this man, knows just how special he is.

My inspiration for this post, other than his complete awesomeness, was my sister posting on our local newsman's facebook. His name is also Jed. She posted, "Happy Birthday Jed. My grandpa's birthday is also today." To which he responded, "Is he from Gracmeont? I just talked to him this morning, he has called to wish me a happy birthday for the past two years."

And that's just the kind of person he is.

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Tuesday, November 9, 2010

New...Er, Old Journey

While I was in college, I had two jobs. The first was my high school job at a family owned grocery store that my great uncle, dad, and mom also worked at. I spent some great years working there, and still enjoy the small town atmosphere the store provides.

After we moved to the town I was going to college in, I decided I need to get a job there. I mostly worked for recreation then, as I was awarded a full cost of attendance scholarship.

So after applying and being offered a job at Bath and Body Works, I put in my two weeks notice and started a new journey. I was beginning a new job after 4 years at my previous job.

I stayed there for another two years, one as an associate and one as a Sales Lead (which is like a junior manager). There were three SLs at a time and there were days we ran the store more than the manager. Not that she didn't do her job, but she wanted us to learn how to do it on our own.

My last few months there I just knew that I would be eventually moving up and getting a Co-Manager job in a bigger store. But, that just never happened. I was coming from a small store, and would have been thrown into a huge store. It was obviously just not meant to be.

Since then, I've followed the store, several of the people I worked with have moved on to bigger stores. And now one of the girls I was first trained by is the store manager at my old store. She contacted another friend from there who I'm extremely close with to come back to work, and said friend also volunteered me. : ) The store was down to 7 people total and with holiday coming up, they should have about 25. She was desperate, and we were awesome when we were there.

So I went today and filled out my paperwork to go back to my college job
and my first shift will be this Sunday evening for a meeting. I'm so ready to get back and (get that discount) meet new people, spend time in such an oplifting holiday atmosphere. Maybe it will get me past my grinchiness.

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Monday, November 8, 2010

What's your favorite thing about...FREE?!?!

The other day I posted a blog about free, free, free holiday cards. Well here is the skinny on that deal.

First go to and upload all of your pictures! I do this religiously, as it's the best place to get prints, and they store all your photos for FREE. (See, free again)

Then, check out their Holiday Card designs. This one is my favorite. I love how it lets the picture shine, but also enhances it a bit with holiday cheer.

They also have more traditional Christmas Cards that are super cute!

And last but not least, if you need some holiday gifts, they have awesome things like Calendars (who wouldn't love a photo calendar of my beautiful kid), Wall Art Canvases, and lots of others!!

My suggestion is: Go upload your pics, browse their cards (and pick out your favorite to get FREE) and then sign your little blog up to get free cards too!

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Friday, November 5, 2010

Free, Free, Free!!

Free, Free, Free. Did that get your attention? Free?


Bloggers get free Holiday cards! Check it out!

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Monday, November 1, 2010

Growing Up

As an adult, I realize that some things just don't matter. As an adolescent whose brain (the prefrontal cortex, specifically) wasn't developed completely, I didn't realize that.

I can now see the childish-ness and completely immaturity of my thoughts, actions and decisions.

I can remember bickering with my junior class over the prom glasses we chose. I want to scream at my stupid teenage self: WHO cares??? No one. I threw them away years ago.

But I honestly thought that was life ending.

I have a friend who thinks that every time any says something that could apply to her that they said it directly to her. She honestly believes that.

In my world full of reality, there isn't much room for narcissism.

I look at my younger sister, living in her drama filled high school life where everyday is a new friendship lost over a boy, I feel for her. I am so glad I'm over that part of my life. While I hate being old, that's more young than I would like to achieve.

I prefer being an adult, who is grown up enough to care less about small piddly things in life that don't hurt me.

Welfare and Policies?

In high school/college, I worked at a grocery store. I saw people coming through with foodstamps getting more money than my parents spent on groceries. We never bought name brand groceries, yet here are these people I knew didn't have a job, hadn't worked in years buying name brand everything. And lots of junk food, snacks, and non-healthy foods like fruit. Pop instead of juice. And the kicker was steaks, several packages a month. I had a major problem with this.

This summer while taking a social work class I was posed the question, "Should the adults recieving food stamp and other welfare benefits be required to take a drug test to recieve said benefits?"

My original thought was, Of course. Of course they should. Why should someone who can't be straight and working be allowed money that other deserving families be getting?

Then the more I thought about it, I started considering the children of those families. The children of those families wouldn't wouldn't have anything to eat otherwise.

Those are my general ideas, so what do you think? Should adults who recieve benefits be tested for drugs?

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Sunday, October 31, 2010

Busy Life

My life has been fairly busy lately. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not. It either creates more chaos in life, or shows that my life is full.

I spent the first part of the week working on a several page essay/case study take home test. It was a killer. Wednesday, I also had class and forgot my computer so I had to actually take notes. *gasp*

Thursday, we made plans with one of my best friends who has a little girl close to Archer's age to go to the zoo. Then, we found out the zoo closed early. So we made plans to go to a pumpkin patch. But I couldn't get off work soon enough. So, then we decided to go see Santa who was visiting a shopping center. BUT, as all things crazy go, we missed him too. Either way, we had a great time just eating out for dinner and letting the kids play. They actually played and got along really well. And they LOVE to kiss.

Saturday was trick or treat day locally, so we went with family around my home town. Lots of fun. I wish we had that super small town feel here, but we don't. I'm still hoping someday we find that town that has feeling, but also has the amenities of a bigger town. Someday...

Anyway. That's my crazy busy week. Hopefully I'll be back to my regular bloggy self this week.

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Sunday, October 24, 2010

Happy Birthday To ME!!

Whatever happened to the days when your mom made a huge chocolate cake with candles for your birthday? I'm not even concerned about presents (that much), but this is very possibly the most uneventful birthday I've ever had. Top three, anyway.

It's just been another day. Which totally ruins my dream.

Here was my dream.

I wanted Chance to order a cake from the local bakery. How did that turn out? He ordered it from an online bakery, spent waaay too much money, and got a teeny little six inch cake.

I wanted my best friend to come down on Saturday and celebrate with me. I didn't want to go out and party or do anything that's not genuinely me. But she flaked at the last minute. So Chance, Archer and I had a quaint day at home. Which, would be great, except I wanted my birthday to be notable and fun.

I wanted something special for my day today. Instead, I had a nice quiet day at my grandpa's house, followed by cooking most of my birthday dinner (because Chance wasn't sure what to do) and making my own dessert.

It's not like I care that much. I just wanted my 25th birthday to be something other than just another day.

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Saturday, October 16, 2010

Communication Style

Have you ever noticed that some of the things you type into dialog boxes online just don't translate correctly? That's because so much of human communication depends on kinesics or non-verbal communication like gestures and facial expressions.

I work with kids with communications problems, and this is one of the things you would work on for someone on the PDD scale. I learned yesterday that the cause for the lack of empathy in students on the PDD scale is the lack of mirror neurons in their brain. Mirror neurons are a new development in the world of science, and have been declared by one scientist as revolutionary science. They are just at the tip of the iceberg with it. I digress.

Anyway, there are many instances where I read and re-read emails and posts before I say them to be sure that they aren't conveying any messages I don't intend. And, I know for a fact that it's happened anyway; a friend on facebook was all up in arms and got so upset at me that he unfriended me over a message that he took to mean something that it didn't. I do however think that it was a lot more him, and a lot less me in the miscommunication.

I also see others who post things, and wonder if they have any idea how crass, tacky, or snotty their messages sound. I have to wonder if it's not their personality (all knowing, un-sympathetic, etc) that makes their posts this way; or if it is just a difference in communication style and the lack of kinesics that create the barrier between these posts and my brain. Either way, it's sometimes disconcerting.

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Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Oh Hail!

We had quite the hail storm the other night. Archer spent the evening in my lap with his hands over his eyes telling me how scared he was. I'm not sure if it's genetic environmental phobia or if we've done something to make it happen but my phobia/anxiety response to thunderstorms has apparently been passed down.

These hail stones left some big dents in my father's truck hood. My car has a few small dings, but nothing major. (Like Dimples over at Nobody's)

This is also nothing compared to the hail storm OKC had that knocked the windshields out if most cars that weren't under some cover this spring.

I hate storms.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Plan Your Own Funeral

My friend Nobody posted a blog about funerals earlier today. Usually I just answer her posts in a comment (like I want you readers to do) but today decided I needed to post my own blog about it. There is just too much to say on this topic.

First of all, upon my death, I wish to be cremated. I don't want my body to be viewed anywhere, not at the funeral home before, and not at the funeral. I have very strong religious feelings. I know that my earthly body is only the vessel for my heavenly body, and that when I die my spirit is with God and not in that old body here on Earth. Please don't look at this body and weep, remember my alive and well self, and think happy thoughts for where I am now.

Secondly, I would like a funeral. I want my family to gather and tell my son stories about my life; stories that he may or may not have already heard. I want him to see the impact I (hopefully) made on the lives of others. I don't want it to be a sad affair. I would like a prayer for my family to have strength, some uplifting music, a time for invitation so that others may find the glory of God that I will be reveling in, and a meal for my family after.

After my funeral, I want my family to gather around Chance and Archer and embrace them. They are going to need it.

So, there's the short version. What's your funeral?

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Thursday, October 7, 2010

How much control do you need?

Once upon a time, there was this girl. This girl was a complete control freak. She needed to be in charge of all things, thought her idea was the only way, and got upset when she didn't get her way. It was a bit much.

At some point in that girl's life, that need for control, need to be perfect, right and in charge constantly ebbed. It could be that the prefrontal cortex (the part of the brain that controls impulse) just wasn't fully developed and eventually it became that way. Maybe it was just that maturity took over, who knows. But that girl is no longer a control freak, and that girl is me.

Somewhere on my long personal journey, apparently I just lost that need for control. I know it happened at some point of time in college, when I learned a lot of things about life, the world, and myself.

Now I cringe when I see others desiring that much control over things in their lives that cannot be controlled. It's unimaginable for me to see others who are stressed so completely out (or just wigged out) about things that they can't change and that don't really matter.

I'm not talking about family illnesses or a thousand dollar car repair that you just can't pay for. Those things will cause stress no matter what, and even though you can't change them either, you just can't seem to help but stress, cry, breakdown whatever.

I'm talking about things that just don't matter. It doesn't matter if your house isn't spotless, there are more important things in the world than a bed being made. I don't care how much you don't like it, it will not cause the world to end unless you are actually diagnosed with OCD or another anxiety disorder.

This post isn't aimed at anyone in particular, even though Morgan probably thinks that bed making comment is about her. It's not, I promise.

This post is about myself, the things about myself I have realized, the things I have changed, and will never go back to. I just don't have enough time or energy to care anymore.

What about you? Have you made a realization about yourself that you've changed? Have you made the realization, and are unwilling to change? Or is there just something you would like to change, realization or not?

I hope you will reply if reading. I love hearing the perspectives of others.

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Happy Birthday to the Hubby!

We kicked off the Birthday Month today with my wonderful husband's birthday. He turned 25 today also, we are 17 days apart. He's concerned about being old, but not nearly upset as I was/am/will be. Twenty Five!! Eek. We went out to eat (on an actual date) on Saturday while my little sister babysat. We both had great food at Johnny Carinos and we both had dessert. Last night we went to his favorite Mexican place after work, very spur of the moment.

Today on my way home from work I stopped in the grocery store and got some cheapie cakes and candles. I generally always make him a cake, but that's when I'm not working 40 hour weeks, driving 2 hours a day, and going to school 6 hours a week on top of that.

So, since I know you sneak and read my blog, Happy Birthday Babe. I love you. Hope you had a great day!

He thought it was his birthday and kept saying, "Mine?"

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Poll: Birthday Cake

Birthday Post again!! In honor of my 25th Birthday, I have asked my amazing huband (whose Birthday is today actually) to order a professional cake for me. I told him to pick out the cake, and decide what decorations etc.

I love anything coconut. I also love German Chocolate. I'm a big chocolate and peppermint fan, so maybe cake people do things like that? I don't know, it's not up to me.

Poll Time:
What's your favorite cake? Flavors, layers, professional, home made, etc?

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Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Fally Survey!

Borrowed from Nobody.

1. Do you like Starbucks? Are you a fan of their seasonal coffees?
I won't say I love Starbucks, as all coffee gives me awful heartburn and the trots. However, I do love their non-fat, no whip, white mocha with peppermint. I will get one once or twice a month, because one, I'm just not going to pay that much for cofffee when it makes me sick, and two it makes me sick.

2. How do you decorate and prepare for fall?
I generally don't decorate at all. As a matter of fact, there are still empty picture frames in my living room. I'm awful. However, this year, I bought some small pumpkins, and am going later this week to get some small hay bales to put in front of my porch.

3. What is your favorite fall clothing item and or accessory?
Cardigans. I LOVE cardis. I'm like a walking Old Navy ad in the fall.

4. What was your favorite Halloween costume as a kid?
I don't remember many of my costumes, because once I was 6 or 7 I thought they were totally lame. But, when I was very little (2/3) I was a hobo and the pictures are very cute.

5. Do you like Halloween/horror movies? Do you have a favorite?
I love stupid silly scary movies, like Halloween and others with serial killers, etc. But don't like ones that are all about blood and gore, that's just boring.

6. What is your favorite fall activity?
Sitting outside watching Archer play in the cool air, going for walks, reading.

7. What is your favorite fall recipe?
Thanksgiving food!

8. What TV show are you most excited about this fall?
Grey's Anatomy

9. When do you start Christmas shopping?
Usually the first of December, but don't go over board or buy for tons of people. I'm grinchy.

10. What do you miss most about summer?
The green grass, maybe. I'm pretty spiteful of Summer.

12. What movie coming out soon are you most excited about??
Harry Potter!!

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More Feminism, Role Models, and Why I Turned Out So Well

After researching and publishing my post on Disney Princesses last night, I got to thinking about other fictional role models that girls look up to, or wish to be.

One who gets a lot of flack in my mind is Bella Swan. This meek, insecure girl who has new clue about inner beauty and self worth is projecting her image to millions of girls (women and boys as well); and I'm just not sure it's the image I would want my teenage daughter receiving. If you haven't read the books, then you might not be getting the full picture of Bella, but even the books are a bit iffy with me.

Bella is having to essentially parent her mother, and deal with her strings of relationships, which in a polar opposite from my last post is reality. However, she is giving up too much of herself for the happiness of her mother, who should really just grow up and be a mother herself. In all her self-sacrificial glory, she moves to horrible, rainy Washington State (that she loathes) to live with her dad. While living with her dad, she does all of the housework and cooking, and again is taking care of her parent in a way that's just not kosher with me personally.

Then, her biggest failure of all comes when she meets a boy. Not just any boy, a boy who wants to literally suck the life out of her. Again, her self-sacrificial self does not see the warning signs, and is actually drawn to this boy, Edward (if you didn't know). Her self-preservation skills are terribly impaired, again, not the message I want sent to my (non-existent, hypothetical) daughter.

Throughout the four novels, Bella continually shows a lack of want to stay alive, quite the opposite in fact, she wants to become a undead, like Edward. She allows herself to be manipulated and controlled; and states in various ways that her life revolves around Edward and his love. Her life, which is in jeopardy many times, just ends when he's not around; and is at risk to whenever he is. It's a very slippery slope with those two. But honestly, what can you expect from a teenage couple whose ideals are based on late 19th and early 20th century values. She longs to be a Jane Austen character, and he could be one.

My next biggest issue with Bella, is that she's dying (no pun intended) to get married just so that she can have sex. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm all for a girl waiting until she's married to have sex, but let's not twist that notion into, getting married at 18 just to have sex. (I totally realize that she does love him, but again, many girls *think* they love boys, when they really don't.) Not to mention the fact that if she's the one chomping at the bit, and the boy is the one abstaining, that's not really teaching much of a lesson, because there aren't that many teenage boys on the boat for abstaining.

Then I was trying to come up with a fictional role model I would want my daughter looking up to. Possibly Rosalie, for all her fierceness, she has a pretty good head on her shoulders now that she's had nearly a century to learn from her human mistakes., I don't make enough money for my daughter to look up to Alice.

Which had me thinking of other supernatural fictional characters...How about Buffy? Her benefits include, ferocity, self-sufficient-ness, intelligence, and great work ethic. Her negatives include having sex in high school, with vampires. Guess you just can't win.

So, here I sit, having bashed a series that I've read multiple times. I read them through two or three times before I read a comical online commentary about how awful of a person Edward was. And then I went back and read it again. And then I saw the awfulness. He actually unhooked something in her car so that she couldn't leave. Makes me wish she would have just taken the police cruiser that Charlie offered. Does all of this mean I won't read the books anymore? No. Does it mean that I will ban them from my teenage daughters room? No, but I will follow it up with a feminist lesson in how girls and boys should work, and not how they do.

All of this stems from somewhere personal. When reading the books I knew exactly what that head over heels, first love felt like. I knew it well. I knew what it was like if it were the end of the world if you didn't get to see that boy. I was that girl, and it is NOT the life or the choices I would ever choose for my daughter. Not that I'll be making her choices, because that would be very anti-fem of me. However, I will tell her my story, and I will hope, pray, and probably cry and lose sleep hoping and crying that she will learn from my mistakes, and live her teenage years in a completely different way than I did.

How did I turn out so well? Maybe because I was an avid Buffy fan. Maybe because I knew how I wanted to be treated and wasn't putting up with any male chauvinist crap. Maybe it was simply because the boy I loved didn't feel the need to control me because I was so ridiculously in love with him.

On that note, here is an old blog I wrote while I was being very melancholic about love, and I do still think that some of those things stand, but maybe not all of them. Love is just a very difficult thing.

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Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Blogger added search stats

I was always jealous of people who had their own domain, and their ability to see how people had found their blog, ie what search terms were used. Recently blogger added stats for blogs, including these search terms. Want to know what the top search term for this little blog was?

"tiny poop balls"

Yes, you read that right, tiny poop balls. I'm sure, in all my mothering glory, I have used that term, or one similar to it, but I still got a good laugh about it.

What's the craziest or most surprising term that's been used to find your blog?

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Sunday, October 3, 2010

Survey: Best Gift Ever

In the weeks leading up to my birthday, I am planning what to ask to get as gifts for my birthday. My question is, what's the best gift you've ever been given?

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Twenty Five

I will be turning twenty five this year. I'm sure that doesn't seem like much, but to me it is. I've been worried about turning 25 for a few years now. It's a mile stone, it's a quarter of a century, it's a big deal to me. Twenty five. Really.

So instead of worrying and crying and blah blah about it, I've decided to put a positive spin on it. Throughout my twenty fifth year, I plan to blog about my life past, present and future in a more whole way than I ever have. I plan to do this via my blog, as a way to keep the memories in a place that I can access them later, AND so that I can keep this blog up more and develop it. I currently have eleven readers. I would like to at least double that.

I don't do New Year's Resolutions, but that's kind of the idea here. This is my 25th year resolution. I will blog regularly, about my life, and the goings on in my world. Hope you stick around to find out how it goes.

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Personal Discovery

So after a conversation with some colleagues the other day, I realized something about myself that I never knew. Perhaps, it's the discovery itself.

I'm an extremely literal person. I see things exactly how they are and have to really work around something vague to get it. Everything I do and/or say is very straight forward. I really didn't know this about myself.

For example, my boss asked for us to send blank therapy logs. So I sent blank ones. Little did I know she meant with the student data on it, but not filled out. How would I, she said blank. A form we had to fill out last week asked for the month at the top. So I sent in one for each month, even though that meant sending several blank pages.

I'm so overly logical, so literal that it hinders my ability to communicate and function with others in certain situations.

Have you ever done that? Learned something about yourself that you just didn't ever know before, but that was glaringly obvious?

Sunday, September 26, 2010


I've had friends for months say that they have or had baby fever since not too long after their toddlers/babies were born. I thought in the back of my mind, those people are crazy. Who wants more kids?!

I'm at a place in my life right now where I don't want more children, I'm just finally able to see that it's not so crazy.

I'm very glad that our house is too small, and my job/school schedule is too demanding right now or any time in the future. Right now, I really would like to just get to name and snuggle someone else's baby.

Anyone up for that?


Where on earth have you guys been?

Oh, it's me? I'm the one who's been gone?

Oh, sorry.

Well anyway, I've just been a little busy.

What have I been busy with you ask? Eh, not much.

I've only read one book, The Mockingjay, which is the final book in the Hunger Games Trilogy. I've been to the movies once, to see Easy A, which I loved. And other than that, it's life as usual being a full time employee, mother, and full time grad student.

I probably have more free time than you would think I would, I just spend it cooking, cleaning, and entertaining my 2 year old and my 24 year old. : )

Monday, August 23, 2010

Good, no Great news!!

Did you know Ramadan started a few weeks back? Did you know that makes it super dangerous for soldiers and very scary for their families?

Last Sunday, my (ex)aunt got a call from another soldier's mother that my cousin was unaccounted for during/after a fire fight. She didn't tell us until she actually heard from him that he was OK, but it was super scary to think about it.

This Sunday, she got the call he was on his way home. We knew it was close, but didn't know when it would happen.

This was a cousin who was a close childhood friend, but our lives took us in different directions. Even with all the passed time, I thought, prayed, worried for him often.

He is back on US soil today and I am so very relieved.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Tuesday, August 17, 2010


UGH. Today was my first day back to work after being off since May. My daily commute is 50 minutes. I woke up at 5:50, had Archer dropped off at daycare early. I drive to the gas station to get gas, and my billfold isn't in my car seat where I left it.

Hmm...I drive back home, check everywhere it should be. Then I realize my diaper bag also isn't in my car or in my house. I think maybe I just left it somewhere, and after a mini meltdown about not having my billfold, or a single dime to my name, I head to work.

I checked the balance on my credit card, and one debit card. No action. On my way to work, I check my other checking account. It didn't have any money in it, so I didn't think to check it before. There are 10 denied transactions. Apparently I hadn't left my billfold anywhere, it was stolen out of my car.

I feel so violated. I always lock my car, but Chance forgot to when he went to get our supper. I'm worried whoever it was is going to come back and break into my house. I'm worried they are going to hit my car again whenever I get a new billfold and new cards. I'm just sick with worry.

This makes me want to get a huge pit bull, not even a mean one, just one that would scare a person away just for walking past my fence.

I'm looking into some alarm systems and trying to justify the monthly cost and upkeep it would take. We don't live in a bad neighborhood, it's just a small town where there are punk kids all over. There are two apartment houses at either end of the block that are a little ghetto though, so I just don't know.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

It's Tuesday...

so maybe you're wondering whether or not my appeal was granted for school. Well, I bet you would like to know, wouldn't you. But you don't get to, because I won't know until FOUR.

Don't they know this is torture for me? They hold my future in their hands, yet they just won't tell me what I need to know! : (


Never did get that bath today. Here's hoping for tomorrow.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Sunday, August 8, 2010


So, next tuesday, I'll start back to the grind. : )

I had this awful dream last night that I was reassigned to 4 different elementary schools this year. It was awful, and super scary. I prefer middle school/high school, and these kids were pre-k. Not my style.

Well, apparently this dream has been nagging at my subconscious all day. I've just been really worried about whether or not the new legal/policy changes on my job were going to affect me in a major way or not. I was honestly really worried.

At 10:55, I emailed my boss, and just expressed my worries. Not even ten minutes later, my phone chirps that I have an email and before I can read it, she's calling me. She killed all my worries and just totally reassured me. She might be the best boss ever!!

Potty training?

The kid?

No. The freaking dog. Not just the dog, the freaking dog.

She's still in that awful stupid puppy stage. She'd been in Archer's room for her regular dose of toddler torture. I went in and rescued her, and then asked if she needed to go out and potty. She perked her ears up, came running toward me, and stopped halfway--in the carpet--and peed. UUUUUGGGGGHHHH!!!

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Why do I torture myself?

I'm sitting here at almost midnight, watching food network, and seeing my friends talk about food on facebook. I'm starving! We had a fish fry at Chance's parents, and it was good, but now I'm feeling hungry again. I now I just need to go to bed, but man, I'm glad my fridge is empty.  : )

Introductions are in Order

So for a few months, we've really been talking about getting a new dog. I'm a dog lover, and have always had a dog. These past 18 months without a dog are probably the longest I've ever been without a dog. It was awesome for a while, one less thing to care about. BUT, when Chance and Archer go to bed without me, I get lonely.

Chance's parents have dogs, and Archer is great with them. He loves all animals. He actually desperately wanted a fish one day at walmart, but his daddy wouldn't let him have one.

So before our vacation I started scouring petfinders. It's a website and an awesome iPhone app for people who want to get their pet from a shelter. I looked, and looked, and looked. And didn't find what I wanted at a shelter, not to mention the shelters around here are very rigorous as to who they adopt out to.

It is with regret that I admit, we did not get a shelter dog. I know many of my friends will be disappointed in me for saying that, but we tried. I just knew what kind of dog I wanted, and there weren't any within hundreds of miles.

We found what we wanted on the locals news station's classified ads. We got her from a family who raises dogs, not from a puppy mill or a big breeder. They were very nice people, a teacher and a stay at home mom. They had two kids, who adored the puppies and kept asking if I was going to give them back or take them home.

We brought the puppy home, to a very loving little boy who was just thrilled. His little eyes just lit up when he saw her. After several hours of not having a name, she is now...


Archer is so thrilled every morning when he wakes up and sees Ms. Sadie. His smile brightens, and he says, "HI SADIE!!" : ) In his super sweet voice.

Friday, August 6, 2010

A divorce poll

I was thinking a while back about the high divorce rates in the United States. Oklahoma is only 2nd or 3rd behind Nevada in divorce rates. My parents have been divorced, and are now remarried. Chance's parents have filed for divorce, but ended up not going through with it. My best friend's parents are divorced. Actually all but one of my friends' parents divorced. So, if you believe that the statistics that say 50% of all marriages end in divorce, then either your marriage or mine will be ended before it's all said and done. Food for thought.

Now for the poll.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Psycho Analysis

So, if you're behind or haven't noticed, I'm enrolled in my millionth year as a Master's student. I'm not only pursuing, but full on chasing my dream to be a counselor. I started out wanting to be a school counselor. I actually wanted to be a school counselor in HS, but didn't know where to go to get that degree. Now that I'm almost finished, I really want to be a community counselor. I want the hours of a school counselor, but I want to be able to work with everyone. I'm torn. But that's not the point, just the background.

While studying, and reading about the different theories of counseling, I stumbled across ways to deal with anxiety. It wasn't that important to me years ago when I had my early psych classes because I didn't have any anxiety. I didn't know anyone with anxiety...Except, I just didn't know it.

I read a journal article (if you remember anything about psychology and college, it has to be journal articles) about ways to recognize and treat different types of childhood anxiety. One in particular was natural environment phobia. This includes an irrational fear of tornadoes, earthquakes, fires, and heights. Well, when there are thunderstorms, I am literally a wreck. I get an upset stomach first thing of the day when I see that we are due for severe weather. I get headaches, and when they are close, I'm just uncontrollable upset. My heart races, I'm all jittery, can't focus on anything. Turns out that's anxiety.

I also feel the exact same way while up high. I didn't really recognize that one until we rode the aerial tram up a mountain in Estes Park. It's not super scary, I just don't like the feeling or watching the Earth fly past, underneath me. It's sickening, more like motion sickness than anxiety. But, we get up there, and there is a huge fence. But that doesn't really keep me feeling safe. I still feel like I'm falling. I still have this overwhelming feeling that I'm going to fall, or Archer, or someone else I care about. I had to stay on the walk way and couldn't go on the rocks with Archer or even watch him because I was so worried that something would happen.

It wasn't until I needed to go sit down that I realized that what I was feeling. I was overwhelmingly scared to death that something was going to happen. So, now that I know what it is, I'm ready to try and deal with it! : )

Now for the up

While my life has had a few major bumps over the past few weeks, there were also big ups!

Firstly, Chance and I fell in love with CO. We absolutely loved the weather and scenery. He loved the ability to hop on your bike or in your car and buy fresh, healthy food. There are bikers and cyclists all over Boulder, where there are acutal lanes for them to drive on. We went on a two mile hike, and it was awesome.

Even though I went on finals week, I made 100 on one of my tests, and my semester grades were two A's and a B.

We also got a super sweet little puppy out of the deal. Her name is Sadie. I had such a hard time naming her, usually it only takes an hour or so. I prefer names that are just on the other side of what you would name your children. For example, my last two dogs were Titus and Malley. Both are fun names, but on the edge of too contemporary for kids names. Chance's dog who I named was Briggs. I actually would name my kid that, if I hadn't already named my dog that. So feel free anyone. : )

Another up, Chance and my dad found a job, and will be starting next week. That means, I will have a whole week all to myself, to snuggle with Archer before I'm back to work. It also means he will get twice the money he's getting for unemployment right now.

So, thanks for listening to my whining yesterday, hope you enjoyed the happiness today.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010


So, I'm apparently taking a cue from Nobody. I'm back from vacay, but if we go back a bit, let me whine the last two weeks for you.

Firstly, my month old laptop's hard drive failed. Month old...failed. Lost lots of pictures. Very sad about that. Then, they told me they could send me a new one. But guess what, it didn't have any software preloaded so that windows would recognize it upon putting it in. Oh, so that means you have to send it in. How am I going to send it in, I'm leave for vacation for 10 days tomorrow?

Luckily, my cousin was able to come by and pack it up and send it off in the box they sent in. She was staying at my moms to take care of the garden and goat, and pool. She probably had more fun than we did. Eh, probably not, but I'm in a whining mood.

Then, on the first day of the trip, my mom and sister got on my nerves because they can't read maps, took us forever out of the way, and got all snippy when I informed them of it. My mom didn't want it to be a rushed affair, she just wanted everyone to enjoy the drive. But, that's just not possible with a whining, cranky, teething toddler in the back seat. Once we got to our hotel, it was OK. It wasn't worth the 120 we spent, but it was ok.

Next, we headed to eat. We walked, even though the women of my family insisted it was going to rain. Guess what happened? It not only rained, it flooded and stormed. Chance ran and got my sister's expedition because it was the only one big enough for us to all fit in.

Remember I said it was raining, well guess what I was wearing? Flip flops. Do you know what rain + flipflops equals? Falling. I busted it hard on the concrete. My knee is still bruised and yellow and that was almost two weeks ago.

Inside the hotel, Archer fell and busted his bottom lip. This was his first blood wound, and it was running out of his mouth.

The next day wasn't bad. Just a super long trip, with lots of traffic. We got to stop in at Whole Foods, which was a major plus. The next day we got to our cabin in Estes Park. It was gorgeous up there.

Of course, my mom planned the trip during the only open week, which happened to fall on finals week. I had an essay exam which consisted of 2 questions, but each needed to be 5 pages. Plus several discussions, plus 2 actual tests, and another paper. All of that took the first two days of my vacay, and I would like them back. Thanks.

And then...I feel like the Asian lady from "Dude, Where's My Car?" Anyway, the second night at the cabin Archer fell head first out of a big boy swing while his daddy was pushing him too high. He was really shaken up, but not hurt. Not 10 minutes later, he was pushing his truck and hit himself in the face with it, busting his top lip and gum. More blood. : (

Vacation went up from there.

On the way home, one of my prof's asks if I was planning on turning my final in or just failing? I turned it in 5 days before on Monday. So that was a bit of heart fail. Got it all figured out, but it was still scary.

Yesterday, we went to get a puppy for me, I mean, Archer. : ) We took Arch to Chance's parents because we had to drive a few hours to pick her up. As we tried to leave his parents, the car wouldn't start. You know that car I just bought with only 70k miles. I'm praying it only needs a new battery.

I also emailed my school yesterday to ensure my financial aid was good to go for fall, they said yes, looks great. Today I get an email letter saying I'm suspended from recieving funds. Apparently you are only allotted 48 hours to complete a master's degree. Didn't know that. But, even then, I need 60 total to get all of my classes for the LPC track. So, I put in an appeal letter. I'm praying it's granted, otherwise, the money I was expecting will not be coming in. (I know, never count your eggs, but it's hard not to.) Also, if not granted, I will not be continuing or finishing my degree. I'm sick with worry and stalking my email for any news. I can't wait much longer, but the news won't be in until Friday.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Family Trip, Chronicle 1

Let me summarize my trip so far.

My mom plotted a path that takes us 10 miles south out of the way. Then we exited, and went directly back north. Back to the road I pointed out.

Now my 4 year old niece has to pee and her parents drive past and didn't see 2 gas stations. They weren't on the main road and both required left turns. Next gas station? 40 miles...

It's going to be a very long week.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Friday, July 23, 2010

Midnight Booty Call?

So, Chances phone just rang from a number I didn't know. I answered because he's asleep and my mom always said to answer any calls after 10, it's probably an emergency.

Turns out, it's some chick. She asked if she had the wrong number, said she was looking for a guy. I (not so politely) informed her it was my husbands phone.

She then asked if he had a goatee and darker skin. I said, "Yeah, kinda." It needs to be said that at this point I'm about to blow a gasket.

She tells me his number and asks if that's what she called. I again say yes. She asks if he hangs out with someone, I say I don't know the name.

Then she tells me to hang on. Which, btw, is really rude. But I do. Then she says, "Oh, sorry. Wrong number."

I heard in the background she was supposed to dial 3333 instead of the 3300 that Chance's number is.

But still, I was freaking at first. He's lucky it was a wrong number.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Random Thoughts

I've received these via email multiple times, but I still laugh every time. Thought I would share.

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after BluRay? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever.

15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

20. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option

21. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

22. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

25. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

28. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?

29. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

30. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

31. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

32. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Archer's Room

Archer has been completely freaked out about his room for months. He rarely ever slept in his crib because we didn't have central heat and air in there, and it was either too hot or too cold. Now that we have new windows to keep the air in and central heat and air to keep it moving he's able to sleep in there.

Except, he wouldn't. He would cry and just about panic everytime we put him in there. He even cried if we went in with him. So, I had the brillant thought to put the directv box we weren't using in there, with the OLD tv that was mine that we weren't using (and that we had stored in there months ago) and turn it on. Guess what? He loves it.

Of course, I have to go in and turn the TV every now and then and make him socialize with us because he's just addicted and little kids shouldn't watch so much TV, but really, it makes him stay in there.




Do you have a type?

I was just reading a blog in which the author is discussing interracial relationships, and in the process says that her type is men with brown skin and brown eyes. She was of Middle Eastern descent.

My girlfriends and I were talking about this just the other night when we went out and watched Eclipse. They both think that men with cute round faces (think babyfaced), blond hair, and blue eyes are attractive. That's their type.

And man, is it not mine at all.

I'll be honest, I've only ever kissed three boys in my whole life. So, when I say dated, I mean these three boys. The first one was a BAD boy. And I mean bad. Like, we were in the 8th grade and he did drugs, and I knew it. And yet I still followed him around and held his hand like a lovesick puppy. This boy, had blonde hair, but very strong features. His nose was wide, his lips were full, and his jaw was prominent. He was also very muscular.

The second boy I kissed, with tongue. He was dark complected, brown hair, brown eyes. Then I thought he was super handsome, but after we dated (and he dumped me) I didn't see it as much anymore. He was a good guy. Played every sport we offered, baseball and basketball. I went to all the games he had while we dated. We rode the same bus, so it was convenient, and then very, very awkward. But he made good grades, had good parents (well, his dad was a roadie who toured with Marilyn Manson, but he was cool), and wasn't in trouble. He also had very manish features, and was muscular. Since I'm pretty sure bad boy is part of my "type," and this guy doesn't really fit that, I think that his overly cocky attitude filled in for his badness.

And the third, and final boy. Chance. He was always cute. When we were kids, I was totally in love with him. My barbie always married a Ken who would be Chance. He was also a bad guy. Not quite as bad as the first guy, but only because he reformed. Chance and first guy actually got into a fight when we were freshman in high school. He called Chance a faggot in the hallway, and apparently that is an invitation to fight that you just can't pass up. Chance won, just in case you're wondering. He was always scrapping with someone when we were young. Other than his bad boy attitude. He also has dark skin, dark eyes, and dark hair. He has a very prominent nose, and high cheek bones. Oh, and the muscles. He has those too. He's worked out and lifted weights since middle school. Now he's in overdrive with it. His body fat percentage is 9.9. He's lost 60 lbs since January; and put on 5 lbs of muscle this week.

On top of his physicality, he's so disciplined it's sickening. He will stick with something forever if he really wants to. He's so giving and yet so selfish at the same time. He does nice things for people because it's the right thing to do. He does nice things for me daily just because he loves me; but most of the time he makes me trade for things, like neck and back rubs. He's so unsure of himself and insecure about how he looks, but when he's working out like he is now, he checks himself in the mirror constantly to see if his body has changed at all; if his muscles got bigger. And if they did, I have to hear about it. Or see it. Which isn't so bad.

So that's my type. Bad boy with rugged features, and muscles, lots of them. :)

What's yours?

Saturday, July 17, 2010

About Me...

I wrote work in progress on my About Me page when I first figured out that you could add pages with blogger. I was figuring things out, stumbled across it and didn't have time to add any text.

Now that I'm back to editing, I think it's oh so fitting. I'm in a constant motion, and I hope it's progress.

Changes and the Comments Issue

Blogger now lets you add pages to your blog. So, in case you didn't notice, I now have an about me page and a photography page. I'm working on a few other pages, so check back soon!

Comments are now working! For some reason, something that I don't know how to fix is disabled, and that keeps me from having the embedded comments. So, now it is a pop up. If that is an issue, please let me know, and I can change it to something else.

If at any time you have an issue, or would just like to contact me for fun, you can do so at sally(dot)tilley(at)gmail(dot)com


Thursday, July 15, 2010

Party Planning

Archer's party is still 6 weeks away, but I'm just getting some ideas as I'm off work now and won't be forever.

Here are my ideas for decor and plates:

I'm going to do Red Velvet Cake, but color them a little darker than this.

And this is what he's wearing:

We're inviting his 5 little friends from daycare, some of my close friends with kiddos close to the same age, Chance's family and their kids, and my family and their kids. It's not really a kids party, but just a celebration of his day.


Football Party:


Crossed another off the list

So you might have noticed, I crossed something off my list. If you didn't notice, it's number 1. Read more.

I'm not exactly sure what more means, and what I'm comparing to, but I was in a rut for a while where I just wasn't mentally stimulated. lol Well, so far this year, I have read a lot of books. Things I wouldn't normally read, ie lots of YA books since I work at a middle school and that's all the library has. I've also started a new series, The Milennium series. It's crime fiction. I've never really been a major crime fan, but it's ok. I love this series. The first book is The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. It's gritty, and dirty, and European. It's kind of like Pan's Labrinth. Things happen that you just do not expect.

I also read a Brit dramedy called The Reading Group. I love all things British entertainment. Bridget Jones' Diary was one of my all time favorites, and I grabbed this because it looked good, and it was. Very soap opera-ish, but a good read none the less. I much prefer my drama be fiction than real life.

On top of these, I'm current, via Audiobooks via via my iPod on the Sookie Stackhouse Southern Vampire Mysteries. Also known as the books that fuel the True Blood series on HBO. We have the channel just to watch the show, and I'm not quite convinced that I like where the show is going...but I guess I'll keep watching to see. But that's TV not books.

I've done a lot of reading this summer. Every break from homework, wifing, and parenting I've had has been filled with a book, thus the neglect of this poor little blog. But a friend posted an article about stay at home moms, and while I'm technically not one, I am this summer, and as the article says, Mom's who stay at home like to fill their 15 minutes of free time with what pleases them, and right now, that's a book and a bath. (Now that I have hot water again, that is.)

So, I crossed something off my list, are you crossing anything off of yours?

Be Safe Little Boy

So, I read this book while pregnant with Archer. It's called, Be Safe Little Boy. It made me cry in the middle of the Christian book store where I was shopping. I happened across it at Amazon last week and ordered it because it's only $5 and apparently I'm a glutton for tears.

I get it today and crack it open, and of course cry big fat tears that almost make my contact lenses fall out. She starts out by saying that the mother holds her new little boy, and as the nurses ask for him to clean him up she realizes her life with him will always be about letting go. And just so you don't think I'm a big baby, I'll share a few lines.

"The boy grew older and for his sixth birthday he got a shiny bike. His mother kissed him on the top of his helmet, stood back, and slowly, very slowly he climed onto the seat. From the place where she watched him start to ride, that mother whistled a quiet whistle. And in her heart, the words went something like this: Be safe little boy. Petal hard little boy, look how much you've grown. Be safe little boy, where you ride little boy. You're not yet on your own. (Karen Kingsbury)

She goes on through each stage of life, football, driving, dating, marriage. And each one talks about how the boy grows a little farther away. The dating one is the hardest for me:

"The years went by like crazy and the boy fell in love. Love meant that his mother would have to share her little boy's heart with someone else."

Geez. Break my heart why don't you. I've told Chance Archer was sleeping with us until he decided he was too old, but now I'm thinking I'll never let him move out. : )

Sunday, July 11, 2010

What's up?

In case you were wondering, lately I've been a little busy. A friend told me the other day that they just didn't have time to read.

This friend is an undergraduate student with no kid or husband. So while her days are packed full of nothing. I've been entertaining Archer (and Chance), I've been doing weekly homework assignments for 3 graduate classes, and trying to get some summer reading done. I've also made a few shopping trips, as ON's jeans were on sale, and last night I met my bff and another friend for dinner and a movie.

So, please know I'm reading all the blogs on my list, but mostly on my phone where it's hard to comment.

Summer is winding down, and I love being home, I'm starting to look forward to work. Ahhh..

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Diary of Ellen Rimbauer

A few weeks ago I went to lunch with an old friend from BBW in my favorite town.

There was no parking right out front so I had to park about a block down and walk back. As I walked past the book store (The Book Store on the Corner), I saw Her Fearful Symmetry. I had seen it in the sidebar on facebook, and considered downloading the audiobook, but it was too expensive. I went in and grabbed it (for only $3) and I also found the Diary of Ellen Rimbauer.

Since it was smaller, I read it first. Before this book, I had no previous ideas or opinions of this book. As I was reading it, I was thinking it was the account of an actual person and these were the things she thought were happening in her world.

I get 3/4 of the way through, and started googling her and her husband, to no avail. The search results were only coming up the book itself. That was when I stumbled across a forum from 2003 when the book was published. Apparently it is a fiction book about a fiction person. If you have eyes, you could see on the back near the barcode where it says fiction.


Overall, it was an OK story, but I completely lost interest when I found out it wasn't real.

Ahh, quiet! : )

Chance and Archer left earlier to go first to my parents to help my dad, and then to his parents. We got a ton of rain yesterday so they have plans to go "icle" (4 wheeler) riding in the mud today. A very boy activity.

A comment yesterday asked about Chance being laid off. Well, it's just the construction field. The job they were on is finished, so now it's just a waiting game until something else starts up. They generally have a gap like this once a year, but we were lucky last year and didn't have one but for a week or so.

It's not bad, they just have to file for unemployment for a month or so, and then something will come up. It was really bad when I wasn't working but now we have some things paid down, the central heat and air we installed dropped our electric bill $200, and now neither of us is paying gas and eating out for lunch costs. Now we just have to tighten up our spending a little.

We're taking our first whole family vaca in July so I wish this little gap in work would have waited until then so that they wouldn't be missing work; but I don't hope it lasts that long. Money is part of that, but I just can't stand to spend that much all day time with him.

PS, I use the term they to refer to Chance and my Dad. They work together; so anytime they are out of work, it affects our family as a whole. But they have already filed for unemployment and have been paid this week, so we didn't miss a pay check. It's about $240 less a week than usual, but it's enough to keep us afloat until something comes up!

Monday, June 14, 2010

Rain today

Chance and Archer were supposed to go away today and give me some space. Air to breath. Quiet.

But, since it has done nothing but rain today, that didn't happen. He doesn't like going to his parents when it's rainy because then all the kids are crammed in one house and can't go out. (His niece and nephew plus 10 year old sister are there almost all the time.)

For a little while, we watched flood coverage on the news. It was scary, and I'm glad my family and friends are all safe. Then Chance decided we should watch The Edge of Darkness. No spoilers, but it's one of those movies with lots of loud action, and then quiet speaking. The kind where you have to crank the sound up just to hear, and are then blown out two seconds later.

On top of all of that, Archer hasn't had a nap yet, because he won't take naps when Chance is home. So, the noise level is overwhelming inside my house, and no one can go outside because of the rain. I would be LOVING this rain if I were home alone, or really if Chance were at work.

He doesn't do anything to get on my nerves, I just have a routine, and he's ruining it.

On top of the stress of him being home, I'm still not completely over the stress of having to photograph my cousins wedding. I spent the evening Friday and ALL day Saturday. It really wore me down, and I haven't had two hours of alone time to recoup.

At this point, I'm ready to hire a babysitter for Chance and Archer.

Friday, June 11, 2010

Peace and Quiet.

Is that just too much to ask for?

Since Chance isn't working right now, he's just here, wherever I am, wanting to talk or pat me, or play with my hair. I crave alone time, and he craves company. We are quite literally polar opposites in all ways, this isn't new information, but I just need some alone time.

Since he's been home, I can't get Archer to do anything. The first day he was off, Archer wouldn't lay down so I just left them alone together and went to my room, shut the door and tried to read. Of course, that didn't work at all, since they just followed me. : )

They aren't doing anything wrong, don't take this post that way. They're just boys, and they're noisy and in your face. Archer gets all hyped up playing with Chance and then he comes over and wants to play rough with me.

It's driving me nuts.

I need to spend time alone, by myself.


Thursday, June 10, 2010


Have you ever read Mark Twain? There is a book that he wrote (or maybe it's just a quote by him, it was high school, I don't remember) where he talks about how much in love with the river he was before he knew it so well that it no longer held mystery.

The deeper I delve into my counseling courses and the psyche, the less intrigue it holds. Another blogger posted a blog a few months ago (and I would post the link, but I'm not sure if she would be OK with that) about her struggle with generalized anxiety disorder. The symptoms she described were so very familiar to me.

That's because my husband had and continues to display symptoms behaviors that are so much like those mentioned in said blog.

He gets overly worried and upset about things that don't even register on my radar. It's really hard for me to understand why he's so worked up about a bill I didn't pay. He will call me three or four times in one day to see if I called it in, or if I could just go and pay it in person. He pesters and bugs me because it's eating him alive. It's not a control issue because he doesn't want to do it himself, he just wants to make sure that I have taken care of it.

If we decide we want to be seated at a restaurant by 7, and we get lost on the way, he gets so angry/frustrated that he can't talk to me because it will just cause us to fight. Even though we aren't actually late. He just needs to be there when he thinks he needs to be there.

It's been really hard for me lately because I'm noticing it so much more; and I know what it is. He has not been to a doctor, and it might not be generalized anxiety disorder, but he is exhibiting anxious behaviors. I want to help, I want to help him not feel so overwhelmed, but all I do is piss him off even more.

I read the previously mentioned blog and talked to him about some of the things she mentioned in a private message about her feelings, and he said all of them were spot on, in some circumstances. Now that I've talked to him about it, he's constantly feeling insecure that I think he's crazy.

We went to see Shrek 4 2 weeks ago and he got really upset at lunch because Archer was being wild (he hadn't had a nap and it was 130), his little sister went with us and she was being picky and wouldn't eat her lunch, so then she was whiny because she was hungry and it all just compiled. He was grouching at everyone and just being negative about the day. I lost my temper and told him he just needed to get over his bad mood, he was ruining the day for everyone. I DID NOT mention anxiety or anything, because honestly he's has the tendency to be negative about everything anyway.

On the way home, he said "This is your one out." It caught me off guard and I asked what he meant. He said, "This is just the way I am, so if you want out, I'll understand."

It made me cry because he actually doubts that I can deal with everything he has to give, good or bad. It hurt my feelings that he had any doubts that I want to spend the rest of my life with him. A few days later I asked him point blank if he did actually doubt that I wanted to be with him forever, and he said that he did. It was like a punch in the stomach. We have been together for 9 years, and never once have I felt anything other than pure devotion from him. I don't have a single doubt about his feelings, about his intentions, about him; but he has them about me.

That really makes me want to change the way I think, the way I treat and talk to my husband on a daily basis. I'm not sure if it's anything that I can fix, or if it's just insecurity. I hope the latter.

Marriage is hard. Hopefully when it's other people's marriage (you know, the ones I'm counseling) it won't be so tough.

It's Been a While...

But here I am!!

I am off work until August. : )

I have a new computer to blog on! Which is fantastic because now I don't have to use my phone, or the on screen keyboard to return with.

I have been busy for the past two weeks, just non-stop something. Which I hate because I want to enjoy my summer break.

The first week of grad school this semester involved six discussions and a paper. Who requires a paper the first week? Eh, it wasn't really that bad, but still.

I have been thinking about this same subject for weeks now, and plan to blog about it later this evening. When there is possibly quiet in my home...But for now, I have to go chow on the Hobo dinners my wonderful husband created on the grill!!

PS, he was also laid off from his job, which is the reason he is cooking dinner and not me. As I'm getting paid for my summer vaca, he is not. Which puts him a rung under me on the family dynamic totem pole! :)

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Obnoxious List

Over there in the side bar, there's this obnoxious list. It tells of things I would like to accomplish someday.

Back when I was in High school, I was a bit of a control freak. My inner control shows itself in large groups when people just aren't being productive, but for the most part it has subsided into this tame little kitten. Or, probably more correctly, into this big fat cat whose belly drags the floor.

I just don't have the time, discipline or desire to control everyone else anymore.

With that controlling self, I also lost my list making and executing skills. It happened gradually, a few things breaking down here and there, but I think the chaos of motherhood really killed it.

You just can't care about the lives of others with 4 hours of sleep. (Jeez, makes me exhausted to even say that!!)

So, knowing that I can't accomplish all of the things on that list, I'm going to whittle it down a bit and see if I can't make it more achieveable.

1. Finish School.
So, here's the thing with this one. The classes I needed this summer were full. Therefore, I cannot graduate this fall without the classes from this summer. Now I am looking at a 2011 graduation, but I'm not worried!!

2. Be more health-wise.
This one can stay.

3. Be more green.
So can this one.

4. Pay off our some of our debt.
I'm being realistic. There's just no comfortable way for us to be debt free and live the way we want to. So, some debt will be paid, just not all at once.

5. Start saving money. Save at least $15 a week.
Being realistic again. A specfic goal, baby steps.

6. Finish more at least two house projects.
This one is so humorous because we haven't finished any old projects and have started several new ones that still aren't finished.

7. Buy a new car.
Ha, finished something. But this one was only because I was spending $600 a month in gas.

8. Develop myself, professionally.

9. Read more.

10. Spend more time with friends.

Wow, those last three can stay. Who would have guessed.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010


I got a new car!!!! It's a Jetta, named Rhetta, obviously. I love it. It's tons of fun to drive, safe, reliable, and not too expensive.

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