Secret...

Have you ever read Mark Twain? There is a book that he wrote (or maybe it's just a quote by him, it was high school, I don't remember) where he talks about how much in love with the river he was before he knew it so well that it no longer held mystery.

The deeper I delve into my counseling courses and the psyche, the less intrigue it holds. Another blogger posted a blog a few months ago (and I would post the link, but I'm not sure if she would be OK with that) about her struggle with generalized anxiety disorder. The symptoms she described were so very familiar to me.

That's because my husband had and continues to display symptoms behaviors that are so much like those mentioned in said blog.

He gets overly worried and upset about things that don't even register on my radar. It's really hard for me to understand why he's so worked up about a bill I didn't pay. He will call me three or four times in one day to see if I called it in, or if I could just go and pay it in person. He pesters and bugs me because it's eating him alive. It's not a control issue because he doesn't want to do it himself, he just wants to make sure that I have taken care of it.

If we decide we want to be seated at a restaurant by 7, and we get lost on the way, he gets so angry/frustrated that he can't talk to me because it will just cause us to fight. Even though we aren't actually late. He just needs to be there when he thinks he needs to be there.

It's been really hard for me lately because I'm noticing it so much more; and I know what it is. He has not been to a doctor, and it might not be generalized anxiety disorder, but he is exhibiting anxious behaviors. I want to help, I want to help him not feel so overwhelmed, but all I do is piss him off even more.

I read the previously mentioned blog and talked to him about some of the things she mentioned in a private message about her feelings, and he said all of them were spot on, in some circumstances. Now that I've talked to him about it, he's constantly feeling insecure that I think he's crazy.

We went to see Shrek 4 2 weeks ago and he got really upset at lunch because Archer was being wild (he hadn't had a nap and it was 130), his little sister went with us and she was being picky and wouldn't eat her lunch, so then she was whiny because she was hungry and it all just compiled. He was grouching at everyone and just being negative about the day. I lost my temper and told him he just needed to get over his bad mood, he was ruining the day for everyone. I DID NOT mention anxiety or anything, because honestly he's has the tendency to be negative about everything anyway.

On the way home, he said "This is your one out." It caught me off guard and I asked what he meant. He said, "This is just the way I am, so if you want out, I'll understand."

It made me cry because he actually doubts that I can deal with everything he has to give, good or bad. It hurt my feelings that he had any doubts that I want to spend the rest of my life with him. A few days later I asked him point blank if he did actually doubt that I wanted to be with him forever, and he said that he did. It was like a punch in the stomach. We have been together for 9 years, and never once have I felt anything other than pure devotion from him. I don't have a single doubt about his feelings, about his intentions, about him; but he has them about me.

That really makes me want to change the way I think, the way I treat and talk to my husband on a daily basis. I'm not sure if it's anything that I can fix, or if it's just insecurity. I hope the latter.

Marriage is hard. Hopefully when it's other people's marriage (you know, the ones I'm counseling) it won't be so tough.