Happy Birthday Archer

Happy Birthday to my sweet, crazy, bossy six year old! 

Is it possible that you're six? Or so ridiculously handsome? Or SO long legged? It seems unreal to me. 

I can remember very clearly holding you for the first time (and saying out loud that you looked just like Perpaw). You were a good baby. You didn't cry all the time (like your brother). You grew so fast and now suddenly you're a big boy. 

My sweet boy. I love how generous you can be (when you want to be). I love that you are so helpful and try so hard to make others happy. You're such a sensitive kid who is aware of others feelings. I love that you still like snuggles and aren't too big for hugs and kisses before school.

 

I love your silly self. You never cease to entertain me. You're quick witted and never miss a joke. You have the funniest faces I've ever seen. 

 

You've put us through quite a roller coaster already, but I can't wait to see what life is going gift us with in the future. Thank you for loving me and being mine. 

Love Momma. <3

Last Day of Pre-Kindergarten

Today was Archer's last day of pre-kindergarten.

He started school in August 2012. After the teacher I had planned to chose left before school started, I decided to go with a brand new, first year teacher hoping that her freshness and newness would be a bigger factor than inexperience.

I could not have made a better choice. His teacher just loved him and treated him (and all of his classmates) just like they were her own children. When he started having some medical issues she was concerned and when we were admitted to the hospital she came to see him, bringing her husband and some toys. To this day, he still talks about her husband coming to see him.

He finished pre-k, started kindergarten, and after much soul searching I started him in Kindergarten in the fall. He was still 4 at the start of school. We thought he was ready. After daily notes home and a few calls from his teacher, we decided he wasn't ready in the end. He was struggling with some of the basic skills, but more than that he wasn't emotionally/behaviorally ready to sit in a class and focus on what he needed to do without the play time and the naps.

I was kind of worried about sending him back to pre-k and worried that his teacher might have been sick of him. When I text her what I had decided, she said "You're putting him in my class right?" Instant relief. His second year of pre-k has been great. He's dying to know how to read, he's so interested in learning.


The impact this teacher has had on our lives has been monumental and I will be forever grateful.

February 4th 2013, Part Three

A barrage of other doctors came through, still asking the same questions. An older (non-student) doctor came in and spoke more at length. Archer was being admitted, they would be doing an MRI in the morning.

Chance and I just sat there, staring at each other, staring at Archer. We didn't know what to do or what to think. Or what to say, how do you tell people news like that? I sent a text to some family members letting them know, and also asking them to pass the information on so I wouldn't have to tell everyone. It was so surreal and such a strange feeling to be sitting in this hospital room, hearing news like this. It was just the three of us, and I felt like it was a dream.

Archer was scared, but he wasn't really asking questions. They came and put an IV in and he was so upset. He was going through a phase where shots and pain were so scary and nearly traumatizing. It wasn't the typical fear of a shot, he was having anxiety about the pain that he thought he might feel. I sang "You Are My Sunshine" like an iPod on repeat, trying to keep him calm and happy. As calm and happy as possible anyway.

That was my goal, my job as his mother. He didn't need to know that I was scared out of my mind or that his daddy had tears in his eyes as he sat behind him. So we held it together, we accepted that this was part of God's plan and he would see us through it.

I left the hospital when they were moving him to a new room so that I could go see Foster and nurse him before he went to bed. My mind was racing in the car alone, had I done this? My grandma and all of her siblings had cancer. Were my genes causing this?

After praying and then seeing and holding Foster, I felt better. It was like a weight had been lifted. I prayed for peace and acceptance, and I got it. I went back to the hospital renewed and ready to face whatever was coming.

He could only eat until midnight because his MRI was scheduled for the next morning. At this point he'd only had a few chicken nuggets and then he fell asleep before he could eat much else. He was miserable with the IV in his arm, but he actually went to sleep and slept for a little while. He was extremely restless though, and woke up early when the doctors came in for rounds the next day.

So that was our first day, to the best of my knowledge. I'm still working on the following days posts, trying to keep the memories separated by day.

Here is the post I wrote last year after he was admitted.

February 4th 2013, Part One

And again, other posts from Archer's Journey.
February 4th 2013, Part Two: Looking Back
January 29th
The Week After
January 22nd
January 6th

February 4th 2013, Part Two: Looking Back

One year ago today. It seems like a life time ago, not just one year.

I took Archer to school and then went back to get him for his 10am appointment. He was excited and hopeful that he was going to get glasses. Once we were back, the doctor stated the his right peripheral vision was unresponsive, and that he thought we should go somewhere ASAP to get scans done. He said he wouldn't wait until the referral from children's hospital.

I took him back to school and talked to Chance about what he said. I googled all of the symptoms as a whole and talked to a friend who is a nurse. I knew it wasn't something I could keep ignoring. I called the family doctor back and asked the nurse if we should go to a local hospital or wait and she said "No, go to Children's Hospital now." So after having three different medical professionals confirming my gut instinct, I packed a bag for Chance and Archer and we went.

We stopped at McDonald's to get some chicken nuggets since he skipped lunch while at his doctor's appointment. We stopped to drop Foster off at my cousin's house and then headed to the E.R.

I was expecting to sit in the E.R. waiting room for hours, but after we were checked in they called him back quickly and sent us to an exam room right away. From there we waited about 30 minutes while multiple doctors and students came through asking us the same questions over and over.

Eventually a doctor came through and told us that we were headed for a C.T. scan. It was an open machine and took less than five minutes. Then the waiting began again.

I can still clearly remember the next doctor that came in. He spoke very heavily accented English, but I could tell by the look on his face that it was serious.

"The C.T. is showing a large mass."

The one thing that I understood.
.

Vision Changes

More back story, things that were starting to fall into place and create a bigger picture than when we were just seeing individual symptoms.

Archer failed a vision screening in October of 2012. We didn't have insurance at the time so I didn't take him until November to get his eyes checked. When I went, I mentioned that he had failed a vision screening so we were just there to get his vision checked. The optometrist said that his vision was ok, within normal limits for his age.

Leading up to February, another major symptom Chance and I as well as his teacher noticed was that he was running into things. He was constantly having black eyes, but only on his right side. He ran into the living room door knob on a daily basis. He ran into the teacher's aide's finger at school and got another black eye.

Chance and I were talking a few days after the last doctor's appointment and he said, "But it's not his vision, it's peripheral vision. He can see anything in front of him, it's his peripheral vision." Lightbulb. I sent a Facebook message to a high school friend who is training to be an optometrist and he said that peripheral vision isn't typically checked in children at a routine check up. I was almost buzzing at that point. I immediately called the first optometrist again and made an appointment for Monday, February 4th.

This will be my last post until that day, and I'm hoping to have multiple posts that day, at least two parts.

Other memorable dates from Archer's Journey include:
January 29th
The Week After
January 22nd
January 6th

January 29th, 2013

After seeing one doctor on January 22nd, we went back and saw another doctor (my family doctor) on the 29th. My mom went with me because she's bossier than me and would be thinking of things that I might forget.

He started with asking why we were there and then what all was going on with him. We explained that his arm/hand had some muscle weakness and that the last doctor had noticed an issue with his gait. He marched Archer up and down the hall, had him do some push and pull exercises, and checked him all over.

Then he just stood there looking at us. He said, "Honestly, I have no idea." He refused to speculate. I think in that moment he knew, but he didn't want to say because it was outside his specialty. He set us up with a referral to Children's Hospital, but wasn't really that urgent. He said it might take a while so to keep checking with them.

He also commented that he was blown away at what the other doctor said. He just couldn't image why he would say that. But he knows the other doctor and I think he was respectful in how he handled the whole situation. I was really worried that he would just take his word for it and send us home.

We left that day with no more answers than the first doctor's appointment, but knowing that we would be getting a referral to Children's and that answers were on the horizon it really did help.

Other memorable dates from Archer's Journey include:
The Week After
January 22nd
January 6th

The Week After

We stewed on the information and diagnosis (if you could even call it that) the doctor gave us, for a few days. I knew that what he had said wasn't right. I didn't walk out of that office with an overwhelming feeling of relief and I just knew that meant it wasn't right. I didn't know what was going on with my little boy, but I knew I couldn't accept what we were told.

I didn't go to a different doctor right away. The doctor we saw had been his pediatrician since Foster was born. We liked him. He was a good doctor. He was efficient (in and out in 30 minutes at the most) and was warm and friendly. He always made jokes with Archer and it felt like we were going behind his back to talk to someone else. The other part of that was that I knew that all the doctors in the area knew each other, I wasn't sure what to do next or how to approach it.

We finally settled on seeing the doctor in our town, the family doctor I have gone to all of my life. The appointment was made for January 29th.

And while I hate to leave you here, I'm trying to stick to the dates things happened, both to keep the memories from crossing each other, but also having a specific place that the dates are recorded as well.

Other memorable dates from Archer's Journey include:
January 22nd
January 6th

January 22, 2013

It's been one year today since we saw the first doctor, concerned about Archer's list of symptoms that continued to grow. It was easy to think a few things were unrelated but as they all started to come together, there was no avoiding the inevitable.


We were thinking all kinds of things including Bell's Palsy (which fit more than one symptom). What we were told by the doctor was not expected. The doctor was very brief, came in, looked him over and concludes it was a form of Cerebral Palsy, not something we should be too concerned about and he'll grow out of it. I'm not an expert on CP, but I was pretty sure it wasn't something someone grew out of, and he was too old to be newly diagnosed with this disorder, especially since he had been typically developing until very recently. We walked out of that doctors office with more questions than answered, completely unsatisfied with what we had been told, but still unsure about what to do next.

Part one of the Archer's Journey series can be found here.

January 6th, 2013

You might wonder what's important about that date. It was just a regular Sunday in January. There was snow on the ground, but it wasn't bitterly cold.

We slept late that day, Archer had been up several times that night and I was worn out. He came into our room around 11 and laid down for a little bit, then he said he was going back to his room because he didn't feel good. He vomited twice on his way. He said he had a headache, but I was chalking it up to not rnough sleep and maybe a little bug. 

At that time, the only other symptom was his hand. He had this weird little way of holding his hand, not using it, and almost dragging it along behind him. It wasn't that bad, just yet, but something was different. It wasn't enough of anything to really be alarmed, but we were becoming more aware of everything that was slowly unfolding. 

We definitely weren't ready for what was to come.

January 6th, 2013

The Lady in the Waiting Room

Yesterday Archer had a follow up MRI, his fourth in a year. The whole process has become pretty routine to me. The first time was a little scary and frustrating and unknown. Now I make sure my phone and iPad are charged up and I consider it a little down time. They typically schedule his in the morning since he can't eat or drink after midnight. We get there, wait our turn and then once he goes back and is sedated I'll grab some breakfast and sit in the waiting room with a book on my iPad.

Yesterday as I was getting ready for them to call me to see him afterwards, I noticed a woman who came in the radiology waiting room with tears rolling down her face. I can still remember that first MRI. I can still remember the whirl wind of everything that was happening, everything I was feeling. It was so overwhelming. I grabbed Foster and we went to Archer's room for some quiet time while everyone waited in the waiting room to hear news.

I was torn, yesterday, between reaching out to this woman and giving her space. I ended up just letting her be. She was busy texting person after person on her phone, and I know what it's like to have to get information out to concerned friends and family. I still wonder though, if maybe I should have gone to sit with her or offered to pray with her. Just let her know that she wasn't alone. I'll definitely say a prayer for her tonight, and hope that she and her family are at peace with whatever is happening in their lives. And since that's all I can offer, I pray it's enough.

Emotions

Everyone has been telling us how strong we've been.

I guess I'm unsure how we were supposed to be. Who has time to cry? I let myself shed a few tears alone in the parking garage, but I had to get it together and go feed my baby.

I didn't fall apart because I didn't have that luxury. I didn't break down and cry because it wouldn't have done me or him any good. I needed his environment to be calm and secure more than I needed to indulge in my deep fears. All I cared about was being positive and calm, that's what my precious fearful boy needed.

I have been religious my entire life, I grew up in a small church and those values have steered me every step of the way. That faith allowed me to believe that everything would be ok. I prayed constantly for peace, acceptance of God's will and calm. It's very hard not to ask for what you want, but it was more important to me to feel calm and prepared than to ask for healing that might not have been a part of God's plan. I feel like we were truly walking by faith. We had no control, so we prayed.

If you've ever used the phrase "emotional roller coaster," let me tell you, I've been on one. We went from, "large mass" to "brain surgery" to "all clear" (with lots of waiting in between) in less than a week, there really aren't much higher highs or lower lows.

I still sit and wonder if it all really happened. Did we really go through all of that? The shock is overwhelming. I can tell you a list of emotions I've felt, but numb might be the top one. Calm. Determined. Shocked. Scared. Sad. Elated. Probably the entire spectrum.

Hospital Timeline

We were admitted Monday night, unsure of our future but certain that Archer would have an MRI Tuesday morning. It was a restless night for all of us, but especially him.

Tuesday morning came early, 4:30 for Archer and I and brought a neuro surgery team. There were 4 or 5 of them. They addressed Chance and I, didn't introduce themselves to Archer, and told us surgery would be at 9 the next morning. He went down for his MRI soon after, and we waited for results all day. We didn't hear anything.

Tuesday night was sleepless for me, wondering and worrying. The MRI would determine if the spinal column was clear and it was frustrating to know that someone had the answer to that question and they weren't telling us.

Wednesday morning came early again, the 4 am vitals check woke him for the second day in a row. Around 8 the neuro team came in again, after my family arrived and showed us an MRI of a very large tumor above the left ear, spinal column was clear. My first little breath.

They took us back to holding before surgery soon and our little guy was too quickly being pried off of me and taken into surgery. The wait began. It was estimated at 6 hours.

We sat in the waiting room surrounded by family and close friends. It was an amazing feeling, knowing that so many people cared so much for us to sit vigil while we waited for news.

Less than 4 hours later the nurse called. Her voice was neutral when she said, "They're closing up, if you want to go to the third floor Dr Gross will be in to talk to you." My stomach dropped. It was too soon. She didn't say anything positive. She didn't say he was stable, she didn't say it went well.

Chance and I went down stairs to wait. It was the longest 30 minutes of my life. Then the doctor walks in with a smile and I breathed in for the first time in hours. The tumor was out, my baby was fine, she believes it's benign. Relief flooded through me and Chance says I exploded verbally. I felt it happening, but I couldn't stop. I didn't know what to ask, but I wanted to make sure she wasn't going to change her mind.

We were allowed to go into recovery one at a time. He was crying when I got in there, and that was a helpless feeling. He was so afraid and I just wanted to get in bed with him and hold him. I was scared too. He looked different and had this scary incision mark and I couldn't help.

I followed him up to the PICU and then we waited again. Waited for him to wake up and be well enough to move to a regular room.

He didn't really wake until late that night. He was in pain and he was upset. He was scared of the nurses and doctors. He flinched when they came in. We got no rest.

Thursday brought another MRI and a move back to a regular room. The second MRI was clear, the doctor had gotten the entire tumor out. I breathed again.

We had more visitors that night, and he seemed to be doing ok. Then Chance decided he was running a fever and he had to go home. Archer slept very little and jumped like he was falling every time he went to sleep. I slept at the foot of his bed because he needed me close and I was afraid of hurting him.

On Friday the swelling became worse. He withdrew, his speech was affected and he was scared to pee. His pain seemed low, and he was only taking Tylenol. He had lots of visitors, but he wasn't interactive. The physical therapist came and brought a wheel chair for him to tour around in She made him walk from his chair to me and sit in my lap out of bed. He still hadn't eaten and they wanted him to eat something. He decided he would rather climb out of the chair with me than eat. It made me giggle because he said "Go away." to his tray and pushed it. Then he started sliding out of my lap in an effort to get in bed. Then he told me to go away because he didn't want me telling him to eat. The speech path came by and checked his swallow, which seemed normal. He just needed to eat. Later that day he said he was hungry, he just couldn't find the words to tell me what he wanted. I made a picture album on his iPad so he could point to some food items, still nothing. Chance's cousin came by that night with his favorite kind of apple sauce. I had tried a similar one early in the day, but it wasn't our normal brand.

Saturday Chance came back, bringing more applesauce. We had tons of visitors bring every food imaginable, but all he wanted was the GoGo Squeeze applesauce. By 6pm he had eaten a small box of them and tried a few other things. My cousin went for more. That night he was still having a hard time expressing his needs and he was still in constant fear of moving his IV arm and the nurses.

Sunday morning was the best. He ate his breakfast, drank some milk, had a few bites of eggs and biscuit. And more applesauce. When the doctors came by they said they saw no reason why he couldn't go home. We were ecstatic. We got some lunch and waited for my family to bring Foster and help us load everything we had accumulated. His speech was slowly improving and he was getting up more.

It was the end of one journey and the beginning of another.

Stay tuned tomorrow for the emotional side of this timeline.

February 4th 2013, Part One

Today the bottom of my world fell out from underneath my feet.

After weeks of him just not quite being himself, we took our oldest son to the emergency room at Children's hospital for some tests. We were triaged in quickly and within two hours had a ct scan and terrible news.

He has a large mass on the left side of his brain. We don't know anything else at this point.

I feel as though someone punched me in the stomach. Hard. I don't want this for my little guy. I want him to grow to be big and strong and not have to deal with this pain and fear. I want him to be happy and healthy.

I am so scared. How do you tell other people that your baby has something like this happening? How do you recover? I'm so heartbroken and sad, but I know more than anything he needs a strong happy momma. So that's what I'll be for him.

(Write's note: I wrote this Monday night at the hospital, I just wanted to make sure everyone knew before I shared it.)

4th Birthday and Questions

Today was Archer's 4th Birthday!! He kept saying, I'm still the birthday boy. He didn't quite understand that his party was Friday and his birthday was today, but it was cute that he was hanging on to his birthday all weekend. I like having a birthday week too, so can't say that I blame him. :) 

His teacher sets it up so that their birthday is their assigned snack day, so we took cupcakes and juice. I didn't get one of him looking, but here he is at school! 

We had his party on Friday, but today we had a little celebration at home, just us. When he came in from school he was surprised with his presents. 

Then we had lasagna for dinner, not his request but something he always eats well. And since his candle blowing at his party didn't really work out (too windy), we did it again at home and sang happy birthday. He loves being sang happy birthday to. :)

When it was bed time Mommy read him 4 of his new books, snuggled, and sent him to snuggle with Daddy since he leaves tomorrow for work. But just before bed, I asked these birthday questions. I found these after his 3rd birthday but I asked them this winter so that we would have something to compare to this birthday. It is so neat to see the difference just a few months made in his answers. 

1. What is your favorite color? Red, blue
2. What is your favorite toy? The dragon and the knights
3. What is your favorite fruit? Apples
4. What is your favorite tv show? Pocoyo
5. What is your favorite thing to eat for lunch? Raviolis
6. What is your favorite outfit? Batman
7. What is your favorite game? Hide n Go Seek
8. What is your favorite snack? Grapes
9. What is your favorite animal? My sheep (when asked for a "real animal" he said, A real sheep)
10. What is your favorite song? Imma Be
11. What is your favorite book? Batman
12. Who is your best friend? Rysen (Brysen)
13. What is your favorite cereal? The one with marshmallows in
14. What is your favorite thing to do outside? Slide, play in my sandbox too
15. What is your favorite drink? Tea
16. What is your favorite holiday? Christmas
17. What do you like to take to bed with you at night? Georgie
18. What is your favorite thing to eat for breakfast? Oatmeal
19. What do you want for dinner on your birthday? Cake
20. What do you want to be when you grow up? Superman
21. Who is your favorite superhero? Batman

Happy Birthday to my big boy! Mommy loves you so much. :) 

Party Time!

Today was Archer's big 4th birthday party! He had so much fun and I'm relieved baby brother didn't interrupt our party plans.

This year we had a superhero theme. I didn't do nearly as much as last year, just a few balloons and primary colors everywhere.

The cupcakes were banana flavored with banana cream cheese icing (which melted with the addition of the food coloring) and funfetti with whipped icing. The toppers were little rings. It was super messy. lol

We only played one game this year, which was spray the bad guy. The kids were rounded up and sprayed cartoon villains with silly string. I found the idea on a blog and pinned it here. It was a little difficult to maneuver with a ton of kids, my advice would be to use water guns and laminated pictures and make it a race or something. But we had lots of littles, so I just let them share the silly string and spray at random.

The party was fun, stressful, and not something I ever plan to do 9 months pregnant again. I love going all out for birthdays and I just didn't have the energy this year. I wanted to do so much more game wise and decoration wise, but Archer was thrilled. My mom picked him up from school and he walked up to the party just a few minutes early saying, "It's Archer's party day!" Made my heart happy.

We're going to have another birthday bash at home on Monday with a few presents and his favorite dinner. It was a great day and this pregnant momma is worn out. More later. :)

School Update

Archer's third day of school was today.

He happily reported this afternoon that he played with the same friend as last Friday, he still doesn't know his name and can't describe what he looks like. I think it's so neat that he's completely unaware of physical differences (race, hair color, height/weight). I asked him today what he looks like (for the 2nd time, last time all he could think of was "striped shirt") and he said "He's same size as me. And he's brown like me." I'm not at all sure what that means, since he's tanner than most kids but still white, but I think it's neat that he doesn't know that he's "white" or "black" or any other society determined race.

We've gotten the schedule down pretty well also. In the morning he doesn't like for me to just drop him off at the door, he likes me to go in a spend a few minutes "talking" to him before he has to go in his classroom. I told him we would do that until the baby comes unless he got ready before that. In the afternoon I drive through and pick him up.

He goes "all day" which is from 8:05-2:45, though I can drop him off as early as 7:45. It definitely doesn't feel like a full day when you have errands to run, but I'm grateful he gets to go at all. I miss him all day and usually get to school early to pick up him, but I'll be glad for only have one to juggle once the baby gets here.

I was really worried about him learning the alphabet (or even be able to recognize his name) but he's already telling me anytime he sees an A (though he calls it a cross, because of the line in the middle) that it's "his letter." I think that's great progress after only 3 days.

Shoes

My sweet boy has never worn shoes all day. At home we take them off upon entering. At daycare, he took them off upon entering.

On his first day of school he looked around the room a little confused and asked where he was supposed to put his shoes.

Then when he got home he made sure to tell me he even napped in them. :)

It was so sweet and innocent. He really had no idea that people wore shoes all day.

After School Update

I promised an update this afternoon, so here is what I have.

He had fun, but he didn't play with anyone. No one would play with him so he played Captain Hook alone. He also didn't touch his lunchbox or use his blanket for his nap. He said they didn't let him take his lunch or get his blanket. He also told me all he ate today was pancakes and a yogurt, so I have no idea if he got a plate at lunch and just didn't eat it or what. He did eat his entire lunch as soon as he walked in the door, so he was definitely hungry.

He said he was sad when I left, so I told him tomorrow we would go super early so I could talk to his teacher and then have time to say goodbye. And now he's currently taking a nap on his bedroom floor. :)

First day!!

Well, today was the day. My baby boy's very first day of school. Until now he has either been at home with me or in an at-home daycare. This is a major transition, for Archer and Mom.

Last night he wasn't tired and fought sleep until nearly 10. He of course slept with mom, because dad is at work. He didn't even consider sleeping in his own room. :)

Our alarm went off at a very early 7 am and he begged for "2 more minutes" so I relented and gave him until 7:10. When I told him it was time for oatmeal he hopped out of bed and ran to get his robe to keep warm while I made lunch.

After breakfast we got dressed, brushed teeth and went outside to take some pictures! 

He was very excited the entire way to school and seemed fine when I took him in. We put his back pack and lunch in his locker. George the bear went too, he was to stay in the locker until nap time (which should be right now). He didn't cry at all, though he seemed a little leery of staying alone. Mommy may have shed a few tears, but not a lot. We were ok! 

Pick up is at 2:45 and I can't wait to hear how his day was.