Forty Weeks

I've made it to 40 weeks. Stick a fork in me, I'm done.

My next doctor's appointment isn't until Thursday, which I'm pretty upset about since my due date is tomorrow. I wasn't begging or complaining last week, but now I'm done. Baby is full term, big enough, lungs and brain are healthy; get him out! I'm far enough progressed that risk of c-section is low, so I'm definitely put out with my doctor's decision to make me wait four days to even come back for an appointment to discuss an induction.

I'm blessed that Chance has time at home that we weren't expecting, but still. I am so uncomfortable, with a ton of pressure down low and my entire abdomen aching from the weight of the baby.

I will miss the loving, sweet, fun parts of being pregnant, but never the last weeks. I would much rather be holding my 8 pound baby in my arms than my tummy.

Nursery To Do

My husband comes home tomorrow and I'm sure he's going to immediately ask what I've been doing for two weeks. The yard is a wreck, the house is a wreck, and the nursery is still exactly as he left it, with the exception of a rug on the floor. There is still so much to do, but I'm just not sure where to start and I can't seem to find the energy to do any of it. I decided today, maybe if I made a physical list I could actually accomplish something in the next two days.

1. Get excess stuff out of closet
2. Hang new closet bar
3. Put up closet organizer
4. Hang curtain
5. Hang decor
6. Move small dresser to baby's room
7. Put lamp up
8. Hang shelves
9.

However, my first bullet needs to be: Find a place to put all the crap in that closet. I just need more room.

And if we're being honest, we both know I spent time writing this blog to avoid actually doing the work. :)

Stressing

Just in case you hadn't noticed by my recent posts, I'm stressing a lot about what's going to happen when baby gets here. 

If it's a normal healthy delivery, I don't mind visitors at the hospital once we're settled in a private room. With Archer the waiting room was packed full from 10am until late evening when I was finally able to move to a single room. I hadn't eaten in over 24 hours and felt terrible. I was all drugged out and just watching people pass him around and it was so uncomfortable. However, hospitals are neutral ground and people don't feel compelled to stay around forever so it's really ok. 

My biggest concern is coming home and not being able to feed or pump comfortably in my own home because people will want to come and visit for hours, not just the baby but Chance too, since he's gone a lot. I know people will want to see the baby, but when he needs to be fed every 2 hours and I'm going to try pumping too, it's just not going to be conducive to visits involving much "chatting." 

Chance thinks I'm nuts since I've done all of this before, and maybe I am, but I can't seem to stop. It drives me insane when people complain about stressors they can't control, so I promise I'm done. I feel a lot better now that I've gotten it out. I've talked to Chance and a few other friends and I really do feel better. I'm making a plan and he's promised to be the bad guy if need be. I love him for it, he knows I'm a chicken. 

I would expect one more post on this matter, laying out the plan, but other than that, I'm done. Thanks for listening. 

When baby comes...

I'm going to tell you a secret. Well, it might not be a secret for some of you, but it's not anything I've ever said out loud before. 

When Archer was first born, other than the whirlwind of emotions from just having a newborn baby and being exhausted, I was exhausted from spending extra time in the hospital (NICU parents, my heart goes out to you indefinitely) and I wanted to get to my home so that I could learn what life was like with a new baby. When I got home there were well intentioned visitors at my house which was ok for the first hour or so, because it allowed me time to shower and eat. 

After that first day, the constant stream of visitors really wore me down. I really just wanted time alone with my baby to learn what in the world I was supposed to do. Why wasn't he eating, why didn't I have enough milk, when would I ever sleep again? It was so stressful and overwhelming. My baby wasn't getting any bigger and I was really just freaking out. 

The people who came to visit were most likely met with me running to my room, a messy house, and I was struggling to hold it all together and take care of myself and a new baby. I know I cooked a few times, but other than that, I couldn't tell you what Chance ate or if he did. 

I wasn't a very good hostess. I was really upset that people kept coming and wanting to hold this baby that I was supposed to be feeding every hour. I needed help with other things, but holding the baby wasn't one of them. That feeling, knowing it would be happening again, knowing I'm going to feel so territorial and stressed has been causing me anxiety from the moment I found out I was pregnant again. I try not to stress about stuff like that, but those emotions were so strong that I'm not ready to feel that way again. 

When I tried to talk to Chance about it, he said he wasn't sure why I was stressing, I've done it all before. Sure, but I did it all before without having to worry about getting up and getting a 4 year old ready for school or feeding him or ensuring that he has enough time and attention. I want to be successful at breast feeding and that means better habits at the beginning, which is going to be even harder with a preschooler. 

It's going to be harder this time because I may or may not have help, depending on Chance's work schedule. I might be doing it all on my own right away, and I'll need so much help. 

I'm saying all of this to say, I'm not against people coming over. I know they want to see the baby. But before I have guests coming over to hold and spend time with my baby, I need time to be a mother. I don't need people holding him, I need people cooking dinner so that I don't have to loading the dishwasher, folding clothes or tossing something in the washer, going to the store for groceries or whatever, taking Archer to play at the park or just giving him one on one time. I'm terrible at asking for help, and chances are, I won't. I'll sit and cry in my overemotional state. 

Breastfeeding is hard and I'm so anxious to do it in front of people, I need privacy. I've never really pumped before, but definitely plan to this time, so I imagine I'll just be living in my bedroom until I can get the hang of it again in peace and privacy. 

I found this blog early in my pregnancy and it put words to so many things I felt. I think it goes a little further than I would, but the bare bones are such great ideas. 

I'm not saying I think every visitor who comes to my house should come expecting to clean and not be spoken to, without getting to hold the baby. I just ask that everyone be respectful of the time they spend and please try to be somewhat helpful without expecting me to entertain you or let you hold my baby for long periods of time. Have patience with me, because I'm going to be on an emotional roller coaster and most likely will not have patience for anyone. 

The Good Parts

Last week I posted about the bad things we experience during pregnancy. Let's be honest, there are things about being pregnant that aren't awesome. It's not all rainbows and bunnies. 

That doesn't mean I'm miserable the entire time or I don't enjoy the experience. It's just honesty. I'm at the point right now where I would so much rather have a baby in my arms than my abdomen. I'm just ready to get on with it, not feel anxious about what's going to happen or where my husband will be when it does. I'm ready for him to get here so Archer can get used to life with our new family so he can stop feeling anxious about his place in life. I am, and I don't really think that's bad.

I also will miss this entire experience. This will be our last baby, or at least my last pregnancy. If we could adopt some day, we might, but it will all depend on where we are financially in 10 years. I love being pregnant, like I said, I really don't have such a terrible time. I'm not throwing up the entire first few months, I don't have horrible symptoms, and I love feeling a little tiny person growing inside me. 

It makes me sad to know once he's out, I'll never feel a little foot kick again. Getting to experience being pregnant is amazing, and I'm fully aware that it's something denied to so many. It breaks my heart for them because it really is something great. I don't take it for granted even when I'm ready for a baby instead of a belly. 

Surprises!!

Having online friends (most of whom you've never met) is a really crazy experience. You get to meet these people from all over the country (and world) with completely different world views, values, and skills. 

As it turns out, I have this friend who can knit (and crochet, and sew and is overall crafty). 

A few months ago I found this adorable little fox newborn prop, and since baby's room is decorated in woodland creatures, emphasis on adorable little foxes, I decided I needed it. I talked to my friend who can knit, and we talked about her making it, etc. That was before I quit my job and had less realistic expectations of what I should be spending considering I was about to be income-less. 

Fast forward to a few weeks ago, I found a little fox ear hat and decided that I would be satisfied with that. I needed to spend a little less money and the hat was an adorable compromise. So again, I messaged my friend and she said she could definitely do it, no big deal and she would get started on it soon. 

She was done asap, and shipped it out. It arrived in the mail today. 

Is this not the most adorable hat you've ever seen? (Just say yes)

But as I was pulling out the hat, I noticed there was something else in the envelope. Turns out my friend, my sweet amazing friend also made the adorable newborn photo prop as well. 

Doesn't she know suprising pregnant people makes them cry? (I didn't take a picture of that. lol)

I am so excited and SO blessed to have received such a gift! I will make sure to take lots of pictures of my sweet baby boy in his adorable little prop and post them up in his room for all to see. It's wonderful and amazing! Thanks Devin! 

(Devin has an etsy shop that does custom orders and has some products in stock. She does an amazing job. I'm planning to order a hat for big brother now too. :))

Change of plans

Last October I learned about the BlogHer  conference . Because I'm interested in writing and blogging and I love NYC I was seriously considering going. They have a student rate, which is amazing and was seriously almost too goo to pass up. I almost booked my flights in December. I was thinking it would be an amazing time away for me, in a place that I love, learning about something that I enjoy and hopefully getting some new passion for blogging. Thank goodness I didn't, since you shouldn't fly at 35 weeks pregnant. :\ 

I also considered driving up to Pennsylvania to spend some time with Chance while he was at work, and then spend his time off up there. We even talked about getting a house on a lake and seriously spending the entire summer there. Again, pregnancy really changes plans doesn't it? 

The beginning of this summer was full of drama for me and I again considered driving up to PA and spending a few weeks away, but it's just too hard to do pregnant and alone with a 3 year old. I couldn't justify spending a ton of money on hotels and eating out when I had so much baby stuff to buy. 

While I regret missing some of those experiences, I'm so glad for the time I've had at home with Archer this summer. We drive each other crazy, but it's been great. Hopefully once I go back to work my sweet, loving husband will take me to NYC for my birthday (hint, hint). 

But the point of my post is, it's amazing how plans can change, and yet I'm getting rewarded with something so much better. A lifetime of happiness and memories that will most definitely beat out a few summer fun trips. I always try to be happy with whatever may happen, because it was meant to be. Whatever happens is what should have happened, in my mind. 

I'm ready for this new adventure and will take cancelled plans over it anytime. :)

The Bad Parts

Because I didn't really remember this part, I wanted to document it.

Sometimes pregnancy isn't all it's cracked up to be. I was lucky both times with morning sickness. I almost feel guilty sometimes when I see my friends struggling to sit upright without throwing up, because I rarely (if ever) threw up.

I love being pregnant (most of the time) but here are the parts I hate about being pregnant: The part where my tummy is so heavy it hurts my back to walk around. The part where I get up 5 times night to pee, even if I limit my fluids after 8. The part where I pee, then stand up and have to pee again, repeatedly. The part where I feel dehydrated if I don't drink gallons a day. The part where toast gives me heartburn. The part where my hormones are so out of whack I cry for no reason, or I feel overwhelmed for no reason so I cry. The part where getting up off the floor after sitting requires and crane lift. The part where I can't sleep because no position is comfortable or once I am comfortable, baby isn't so he flops around until I move.

Did I mention not being able to sleep? That really is the worst part because you know you are about to be without sleep on a regular basis but you can't get comfortable or your brain just won't turn off. Oh, I almost forgot. The restless legs. If you've never had restless legs you're missing out, it's fun. Mine start just after a positive pregnancy test and last until the end. It's awesome.

I know I will miss experiencing all of this some day, but just in case I think I want to do it again, I want to remember all the bad stuff too. The fun stuff is so easy to remember, but I really don't think our brains have the capacity for all the bad stuff. If we did, we wouldn't do it over and over.

The Nursery has Begun!

After the last post, just an update. Since we got our room all moved, we started moving baby furniture in. The dresser is in, the changing pad is on, and the drawers are full of clothes! Tomorrow the crib will be put up, the bedding will be washed and put in, and a little dresser will move in to store blankets and hold the lamp. 

I'll post pictures when it's all done! 

Whooping Cough

We've all seen the commercials, the horrible cough coming from a tiny baby, telling us that Pertussis is dangerous and most commonly passed to new babies by parents, siblings, and other family members. 

When pregnant with Archer I'm not even sure I knew anything about Pertussis (or if I did the exhaustion of having a newborn has wiped it clean). In recent years I've seen more and more advertisements about it. 

But what concerns me the most are the recent cases of newborns and infants being taken to the hospital with it. Just a few weeks ago a baby from a nearby town passed away after struggling with pertussis for weeks before that. He wasn't old enough to have the vaccine. Then just two weeks ago a friend from high school's son was admitted to Children's Hospital with it. His oxygen levels were low because he couldn't breathe due to coughing. That really scared me. I cannot imagine having sit in a hospital and watch my baby fight just to breathe. 

Another friend posted last night that another baby has it. That was the final straw for me. I posted on facebook that everyone planning to visit needed to get the pertussis booster. I still need Chance to talk to his parents about it, but the word is getting out. 

If you're coming to see my baby, you're going to need to bring your shot record. ;) Ok, I'm kidding about that, but please get the shot.

Whining.

I think the third trimester, especially this last half of it, is my least favorite time of pregnancy. I feel so ready to have a baby, and yet so completely un-ready to physically have a baby in my home. I was thinking earlier, I have 6 weeks left. That is so close, yet still SO far away. On top of that, baby doesn't have a room, the furniture hasn't been built, I still have so much to wash. AAAH. 

What I hate most is not having the energy to do anything, but having an overwhelming urge to do everything. My whole house needs to be cleaned. I have a ton of my own laundry to do and I'm still getting ready for school for the kid. 

I've been working on washing baby clothes and I have them all folded, but I have no where to put them. Baby has a dresser, but it's in the shop. I don't want cat hair or random bugs all over them so I guess they'll just sit in a laundry basket in my living room. 

I just wish the carpet guy would hurry up and then I would be able to relax.

Pregnancy Update: Week 33

With Archer I wrote a ton of blog posts about my pregnancy, how I felt what was happening, etc. I feel a little guilty that I haven't done that this time, but I guess it's different since it all seems normal? 

Today I am 33 weeks. Baby is around 5lbs. I've gained around 18 lbs, it fluctuates a little so around. 

He moves constantly. One part of my tummy or another frequently has something poking out or rippling. Very active. I don't really remember big brother being this forceful with his kicks, but I'm sure he probably was. 

Overall, I'm just ready for September and ready for him to get here! 

Nursery ideas

Because my male husband doesn't care about room decorations, crib styles, paint colors, etc etc I need a place to talk about it. 

For a girl nursery, I am loving the vintage feel. I want a light aqua paint color with pink and red accents. I'm debating between the first option and this one. The last time I chose a richer paint color I ended up with dark turquoise walls so I'm thinking maybe paler would be better. 

I found this bedding set. But I'm considering not ordering the bumper and just ordering it by piece. It will be a little cheaper, and apparently bumpers aren't safe anymore? 

I found and pinned this nursery months ago, before even thinking about having more kids. I just love this classic photo wall. I love including old family photos. I also found this banner on etsy. I'm really hoping to buy as much stuff from etsy as possible. I like the idea of using hand made items.

For a boy room, I am thinking nature or something similar. Archer's room was rustic. He had the bears, moose, cabin-y stuff. Of course, since we re-did his room for his birthday, I gave all of that stuff away. 

This time I'm leaning more toward foxes and bears, maybe a few other forest creatures. 

I love these prints, they are the inspiration for my idea. I don't like the owl, just because it's so over-hyped, but I do love the other two. I like the other options here too as well as the wall color. 

Week 12 and some extra

I posted recently that my little boy is going to be a big brother this year. Since I didn't do a post explaining the announcement (what explanation is needed? lol) I thought I would combine my initial pregnancy story and my twelve week update in the same post. 

On Saturday January 7th, I decided to take a pregnancy test. My period is always irregular and after a few late days I take a test just to ease my mind. (I bought some really cheap on amazon and they are actually accurate.) Let's just say I was a little more than shocked when that second line popped up. 

Even though we had a big surprise, we're still happy and excited. I make this statement because I get asked this question all the time. I'm not really sure what people expect me to say when they ask if we're excited, I've actually considered telling the next person that I'm terrified and we're considering adoption. Because really, find a better question (lol). 

I wasn't really having any symptoms before taking the test, but as soon as I did a lot of symptoms were explained. For example, I took the test my first week back to school after Christmas break. I was exhausted, but I was just thinking that was because I had been so lazy over break. I also realized my boobs were sore, but I had been attributing that my upcoming period. It also explained my overly emotional state. 

So, that's the beginning of my pregnancy. 

As for an update until week 12, I've been tired, nauseous, and full of acid. I haven't thrown up yet. I'm sure there will be lots of hate mail over that last statement, but that doesn't mean I haven't been miserable. I spent every day from the second week of January to now getting heartburn from everything I ate, including plain toast. I had to sleep upright because the acid was giving me a sore throat by the time I woke up. I know lots of people who have it worse every day, and I know just how lucky I am. 

This pregnancy has been similar (that I can remember) to my previous pregnancy with the exception of the heartburn. I don't remember it being so bad so early. 

My newest problem is dizziness. I am dizzy just about every day. It's usually worse in the evenings, but there have been a few days that I felt like I couldn't even lift my head up. 

Mostly, I'm just ready to feel normal again and looking forward to the more fun parts of being pregnant. I'm ready to feel the baby, get to see it on ultrasound, and pick out fun stuff for baby. :) 

Stay tuned for the Week 16 update.

Big News!

Oh by the way, I forgot to tell you my big news!! :) 

Archer is going to be a big brother. Baby #2 coming September 2012.

How much control do you need?

Once upon a time, there was this girl. This girl was a complete control freak. She needed to be in charge of all things, thought her idea was the only way, and got upset when she didn't get her way. It was a bit much.

At some point in that girl's life, that need for control, need to be perfect, right and in charge constantly ebbed. It could be that the prefrontal cortex (the part of the brain that controls impulse) just wasn't fully developed and eventually it became that way. Maybe it was just that maturity took over, who knows. But that girl is no longer a control freak, and that girl is me.

Somewhere on my long personal journey, apparently I just lost that need for control. I know it happened at some point of time in college, when I learned a lot of things about life, the world, and myself.

Now I cringe when I see others desiring that much control over things in their lives that cannot be controlled. It's unimaginable for me to see others who are stressed so completely out (or just wigged out) about things that they can't change and that don't really matter.

I'm not talking about family illnesses or a thousand dollar car repair that you just can't pay for. Those things will cause stress no matter what, and even though you can't change them either, you just can't seem to help but stress, cry, breakdown whatever.

I'm talking about things that just don't matter. It doesn't matter if your house isn't spotless, there are more important things in the world than a bed being made. I don't care how much you don't like it, it will not cause the world to end unless you are actually diagnosed with OCD or another anxiety disorder.

This post isn't aimed at anyone in particular, even though Morgan probably thinks that bed making comment is about her. It's not, I promise.

This post is about myself, the things about myself I have realized, the things I have changed, and will never go back to. I just don't have enough time or energy to care anymore.

What about you? Have you made a realization about yourself that you've changed? Have you made the realization, and are unwilling to change? Or is there just something you would like to change, realization or not?

I hope you will reply if reading. I love hearing the perspectives of others.

Penelope

I mentioned the movie Enchanted earlier, and the fact that I'm not enthused with the overall idea of the movie.

Well, after Chance went to bed, Archer and I watched Penelope, the movie with Christina Ricci. I went into it expecting it to be silly, and your regular run of the mill JH girl movie.

After watching the movie, I can only hope that every JH girl has seen the movie. In my comparison of the two movies, I would choose the slightly more rough around the edges Penelope over Enchanted.

The Disney flick had was cute, but in my opinion it gave the wrong message. Penelope had more adult language and themes, but had the message that young girls need to hear.

Fairy Tale Movie?

Since Starz is free this weekend, there is lots on TV! Yeah right, but still, I DVRed "Enchanted" last night, and we watched it earlier today.

Spoiler if you haven't seen it.



Knowing it's a Disney movie, I wasn't expecting anything too risque or anything. There weren't any blatant cleavage shots or a ton of over exposing clothes. The father buys a book about famous women for the daughter instead of the fairy tale book she wanted.

Blah, blah the movie goes on in a typical fashion for disney. Singing, dancing, and gaiety. (The happy kind, not the sexual kind.) Well, you can clearly see that the father is growing feelings for the princess, and like wise. They almost kiss.

The movie winds down to the ulimate climactic moment, and guess what? True love's first kiss we've been singing about since minute 3, it's not with Prince Edward, it's with Robert McDreamy.

Now, I have no problem with true love, singing, or fairy tales. But, and this is a pretty big one, but I'm not ok with adultery. I'm sure it sounds absurd to say this, but he's planning on proposing to his girlfriend of 5 years. She was on the way to the wedding to marry her prince. They were both "in love" with these people, yet suddenly they are in love with each other.

What kind of message is that? I like the idea of the story, that we don't always have to do what is expected, that we don't fall in love after just one day, we have to date and learn about each other. I get and respect all of that.

Don't know. Maybe I'm over thinking it, I just don't like to promote the idea that we can fall out of love with one person and in love with another in a matter of days.

Time Traveler's Wife, The movie

Went to see this Saturday night. I really enjoyed it more than the book. There were some things that were different, but overall I liked the movie different.

With movies like Twilight and Harry Potter, there were so many details that were left unattended. Well, with Twilight, only a few details were actually taken from the book, the rest were made up. This movie was different. I was left with a sense of, "Ok, that's not quite how it worked in the book, but it still works."








**Spoiler**

The ending of this movie is the reason I liked it. I could tell from the previews which clip was the ending, so it was why I was excited to see the movie after reading.

Clare doesn't spend her life in turmoil and being miserable waiting for Henry like she does in the book. She is still sad, and she still waits, but she gets to see him again before she's 82. I like that, and I like that the casual watcher doesn't know that Clare had sex with her best friend's husband while desperately trying to imagine it's her own dead husband. That whole story piece didn't sit well with me.

Confessions of a Shopaholic

So, this is a fun, make you smile silly movie.

I wasn't really sure if I would be able to stomach some of the silliness (the mannequins come alive and entice her to shop, really?) but it has a cute story. That's the perfect description, it's cutesy.

I kind of regret paying $5 to see it, I probably should have just waited for it to come out on HBO or something.

**Spoiler**
I knew she was going to sell her clothes when she found the note from the friend calling it all crap. But, before that, for a second, I actually thought her parents were going to bail her out.

Life note:
I have a really good friend who got into credit card trouble in college. She was given 2 credits cards at 18. I think that is absurd, she is paying off her debt and has been out of college for a while. I am super proud of the accomplishments she's achieved in getting that debt under control, but I think it's insane that credit card companies are allowed to target people who have no reliable source of income. Credit cards make it too easy to spend money and not feel as responsible for it. Thus the reason I have an emergency card and no debit/check card. You spend less money when you have physical reminders of how much money you really have and need to live on.