Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Diary of Ellen Rimbauer

A few weeks ago I went to lunch with an old friend from BBW in my favorite town.

There was no parking right out front so I had to park about a block down and walk back. As I walked past the book store (The Book Store on the Corner), I saw Her Fearful Symmetry. I had seen it in the sidebar on facebook, and considered downloading the audiobook, but it was too expensive. I went in and grabbed it (for only $3) and I also found the Diary of Ellen Rimbauer.

Since it was smaller, I read it first. Before this book, I had no previous ideas or opinions of this book. As I was reading it, I was thinking it was the account of an actual person and these were the things she thought were happening in her world.

I get 3/4 of the way through, and started googling her and her husband, to no avail. The search results were only coming up the book itself. That was when I stumbled across a forum from 2003 when the book was published. Apparently it is a fiction book about a fiction person. If you have eyes, you could see on the back near the barcode where it says fiction.


Overall, it was an OK story, but I completely lost interest when I found out it wasn't real.

Ahh, quiet! : )

Chance and Archer left earlier to go first to my parents to help my dad, and then to his parents. We got a ton of rain yesterday so they have plans to go "icle" (4 wheeler) riding in the mud today. A very boy activity.

A comment yesterday asked about Chance being laid off. Well, it's just the construction field. The job they were on is finished, so now it's just a waiting game until something else starts up. They generally have a gap like this once a year, but we were lucky last year and didn't have one but for a week or so.

It's not bad, they just have to file for unemployment for a month or so, and then something will come up. It was really bad when I wasn't working but now we have some things paid down, the central heat and air we installed dropped our electric bill $200, and now neither of us is paying gas and eating out for lunch costs. Now we just have to tighten up our spending a little.

We're taking our first whole family vaca in July so I wish this little gap in work would have waited until then so that they wouldn't be missing work; but I don't hope it lasts that long. Money is part of that, but I just can't stand to spend that much all day time with him.

PS, I use the term they to refer to Chance and my Dad. They work together; so anytime they are out of work, it affects our family as a whole. But they have already filed for unemployment and have been paid this week, so we didn't miss a pay check. It's about $240 less a week than usual, but it's enough to keep us afloat until something comes up!

Monday, June 14, 2010

Rain today

Chance and Archer were supposed to go away today and give me some space. Air to breath. Quiet.

But, since it has done nothing but rain today, that didn't happen. He doesn't like going to his parents when it's rainy because then all the kids are crammed in one house and can't go out. (His niece and nephew plus 10 year old sister are there almost all the time.)

For a little while, we watched flood coverage on the news. It was scary, and I'm glad my family and friends are all safe. Then Chance decided we should watch The Edge of Darkness. No spoilers, but it's one of those movies with lots of loud action, and then quiet speaking. The kind where you have to crank the sound up just to hear, and are then blown out two seconds later.

On top of all of that, Archer hasn't had a nap yet, because he won't take naps when Chance is home. So, the noise level is overwhelming inside my house, and no one can go outside because of the rain. I would be LOVING this rain if I were home alone, or really if Chance were at work.

He doesn't do anything to get on my nerves, I just have a routine, and he's ruining it.

On top of the stress of him being home, I'm still not completely over the stress of having to photograph my cousins wedding. I spent the evening Friday and ALL day Saturday. It really wore me down, and I haven't had two hours of alone time to recoup.

At this point, I'm ready to hire a babysitter for Chance and Archer.

Friday, June 11, 2010

Peace and Quiet.

Is that just too much to ask for?

Since Chance isn't working right now, he's just here, wherever I am, wanting to talk or pat me, or play with my hair. I crave alone time, and he craves company. We are quite literally polar opposites in all ways, this isn't new information, but I just need some alone time.

Since he's been home, I can't get Archer to do anything. The first day he was off, Archer wouldn't lay down so I just left them alone together and went to my room, shut the door and tried to read. Of course, that didn't work at all, since they just followed me. : )

They aren't doing anything wrong, don't take this post that way. They're just boys, and they're noisy and in your face. Archer gets all hyped up playing with Chance and then he comes over and wants to play rough with me.

It's driving me nuts.

I need to spend time alone, by myself.


Thursday, June 10, 2010


Have you ever read Mark Twain? There is a book that he wrote (or maybe it's just a quote by him, it was high school, I don't remember) where he talks about how much in love with the river he was before he knew it so well that it no longer held mystery.

The deeper I delve into my counseling courses and the psyche, the less intrigue it holds. Another blogger posted a blog a few months ago (and I would post the link, but I'm not sure if she would be OK with that) about her struggle with generalized anxiety disorder. The symptoms she described were so very familiar to me.

That's because my husband had and continues to display symptoms behaviors that are so much like those mentioned in said blog.

He gets overly worried and upset about things that don't even register on my radar. It's really hard for me to understand why he's so worked up about a bill I didn't pay. He will call me three or four times in one day to see if I called it in, or if I could just go and pay it in person. He pesters and bugs me because it's eating him alive. It's not a control issue because he doesn't want to do it himself, he just wants to make sure that I have taken care of it.

If we decide we want to be seated at a restaurant by 7, and we get lost on the way, he gets so angry/frustrated that he can't talk to me because it will just cause us to fight. Even though we aren't actually late. He just needs to be there when he thinks he needs to be there.

It's been really hard for me lately because I'm noticing it so much more; and I know what it is. He has not been to a doctor, and it might not be generalized anxiety disorder, but he is exhibiting anxious behaviors. I want to help, I want to help him not feel so overwhelmed, but all I do is piss him off even more.

I read the previously mentioned blog and talked to him about some of the things she mentioned in a private message about her feelings, and he said all of them were spot on, in some circumstances. Now that I've talked to him about it, he's constantly feeling insecure that I think he's crazy.

We went to see Shrek 4 2 weeks ago and he got really upset at lunch because Archer was being wild (he hadn't had a nap and it was 130), his little sister went with us and she was being picky and wouldn't eat her lunch, so then she was whiny because she was hungry and it all just compiled. He was grouching at everyone and just being negative about the day. I lost my temper and told him he just needed to get over his bad mood, he was ruining the day for everyone. I DID NOT mention anxiety or anything, because honestly he's has the tendency to be negative about everything anyway.

On the way home, he said "This is your one out." It caught me off guard and I asked what he meant. He said, "This is just the way I am, so if you want out, I'll understand."

It made me cry because he actually doubts that I can deal with everything he has to give, good or bad. It hurt my feelings that he had any doubts that I want to spend the rest of my life with him. A few days later I asked him point blank if he did actually doubt that I wanted to be with him forever, and he said that he did. It was like a punch in the stomach. We have been together for 9 years, and never once have I felt anything other than pure devotion from him. I don't have a single doubt about his feelings, about his intentions, about him; but he has them about me.

That really makes me want to change the way I think, the way I treat and talk to my husband on a daily basis. I'm not sure if it's anything that I can fix, or if it's just insecurity. I hope the latter.

Marriage is hard. Hopefully when it's other people's marriage (you know, the ones I'm counseling) it won't be so tough.

It's Been a While...

But here I am!!

I am off work until August. : )

I have a new computer to blog on! Which is fantastic because now I don't have to use my phone, or the on screen keyboard to return with.

I have been busy for the past two weeks, just non-stop something. Which I hate because I want to enjoy my summer break.

The first week of grad school this semester involved six discussions and a paper. Who requires a paper the first week? Eh, it wasn't really that bad, but still.

I have been thinking about this same subject for weeks now, and plan to blog about it later this evening. When there is possibly quiet in my home...But for now, I have to go chow on the Hobo dinners my wonderful husband created on the grill!!

PS, he was also laid off from his job, which is the reason he is cooking dinner and not me. As I'm getting paid for my summer vaca, he is not. Which puts him a rung under me on the family dynamic totem pole! :)
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