Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Emotions

Everyone has been telling us how strong we've been.

I guess I'm unsure how we were supposed to be. Who has time to cry? I let myself shed a few tears alone in the parking garage, but I had to get it together and go feed my baby.

I didn't fall apart because I didn't have that luxury. I didn't break down and cry because it wouldn't have done me or him any good. I needed his environment to be calm and secure more than I needed to indulge in my deep fears. All I cared about was being positive and calm, that's what my precious fearful boy needed.

I have been religious my entire life, I grew up in a small church and those values have steered me every step of the way. That faith allowed me to believe that everything would be ok. I prayed constantly for peace, acceptance of God's will and calm. It's very hard not to ask for what you want, but it was more important to me to feel calm and prepared than to ask for healing that might not have been a part of God's plan. I feel like we were truly walking by faith. We had no control, so we prayed.

If you've ever used the phrase "emotional roller coaster," let me tell you, I've been on one. We went from, "large mass" to "brain surgery" to "all clear" (with lots of waiting in between) in less than a week, there really aren't much higher highs or lower lows.

I still sit and wonder if it all really happened. Did we really go through all of that? The shock is overwhelming. I can tell you a list of emotions I've felt, but numb might be the top one. Calm. Determined. Shocked. Scared. Sad. Elated. Probably the entire spectrum.

5 comments:

Rikki said...

I am so proud to call you my friend Sally. Your testimony and faith in God and his plan are truly amazing! <3

Devin said...

I love you, I love you, I love you. That's all I want to say. <3

Amy said...

Make sure you take care of yourself, right now. I went through something similar with Elaine, and while thank God it did not turn out to be as serious as what poor Archer went through, it was still terrifying hearing something was wrong with a vital organ in your child. I don't think I was strong during it, but boy did I crash after. Hard. Make sure you prepare yourself for it, if you haven't felt it yet. Make sure you let yourself feel what needs to be felt and ask for help. Don't do it alone. My husband has been my greatest strength battling off the depression that came from those 2 weeks. Many many prayer to both you and Archer. You are in my thoughts and I am but an email away. God bless you!

Amber said...

Wow! You are an amazing woman! You have been a blessing and an example of God's strength to all of us.

Jackie McComas said...

We all go through a time in our life when we just have to dig in do what has to be done and get through it. I have had people tell me how strong I am. There are those times when there just is not any other choice. I am proud of the way you have handled this illness that Archer has had to go through. It is hard to be so scared and also know that you have to make sure he does what the doctors say. I am just so glad that it was something that could be fixed.It is good that you have written about it and you can help him understand it all as he gets older. I wish I had written down more things as I raised my children. Glad you are home and he is going great guns. Take care.

Jackie

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