Love?

As a naieve 16 year old girl I thought that because Chance and I were special; like our love was this magical bond. I'm not sure if that was because we had been friends for so long, if it was because we knew at 15 that we wanted to be together forever or that as a little girl, I dreamed that he was the Ken to my Barbie. Sickeningly sweet, I know.

I dreamed of this world, where untouched by reality, we were meant to be and would live happily ever after. I still feel like we are meant to be, and don't get me wrong. We are happy, but I guess I grew up. That alternate reality where everyone has a soul mate, and love at first sight exists, doesn't really exist to me anymore.

While I know our relationship is superior to some others, you know like those who fight all the time and treat each other like crap. Our relationship is definitely more meaningful than that, but can I really say it is different from yours just because we knew younger that we loved each other. No, probably not.

We don't fight that much, but we don't get along as well as we did pre-baby, and I honestly think that's because I changed. My world couldn't be rainbows, sunshine and love for just one person anymore. My heart grew in ways unimaginable before, and I had to face reality. Life wasn't that simple.

I wouldn't trade Archer for the world, but find myself wishing the world was back as I've known it for so long. And I don't even wish I could still be that naieve girl, you can't be that person and a mother, I don't think. You can still have dreams, but they can no longer be selfish and needy. Now I dream about a safer world, one where my child won't have to fear wars and crime. Now my dreams center around the happiness of my whole family, and not just myself. Less egocentric, past adolescense Piaget might say.

Either way, I just want to live my life with a firm grasp on the reality of this world, and and love both of my boys as much as I can. Not a bad place to be, I'd say.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Just a quick post...

...to tell everyone goodnight!

Archer has to be at daycare at 6:30 even though tomorrow I don't have to be there until 8, but that just gives me extra time to swing by starbucks! : )

Have a good tomorrow!

Back to reality!

Tomorrow I go back to work, and Archer goes back to daycare. My classes start back Thursday night. This is going to be a busy spring!!

I must say, I'm ready to get him back on a steady schedule. We have been running like mad this entire break, we were home for maybe 3 whole days in 2 full weeks. We had Christmases and parties, shopping and movies and visitors. I need a few days with him in daycare to recoup.

And did I mention the laundry? : ) Let's just say, it's all washed, and our closets are empty!

I had a great week break though. I got to see my best friend and her little brother! He's the closest thing I've ever had to a brother, even though he had a monster crush on me for years. Her boyfriend came with her, and now we've planned a double date in 2 weeks!

An anti-whine

I do a lot of ranting and whining, so here's a post that is intentionally not a bitch fest.

I am thankful that my family is safe and warm this cold dark winter night. Our electric bill is almost $200 cheaper this year than this time last year. We have a lot of nice things that we didn't think we would ever have.

I have a happy healthy little boy, and my life literally feels complete. My family asks a lot when we'll have more kids, or for the ones that know we don't want any more, they still ask if we've changed our minds. The answer is, and will stay no. I don't need anything else. My cup is full.

Archer is typically developing, he can do everything his peers can/should be doing at this age. He walks, runs, and chatters constantly. He's friendly, and loving. He goes out of his way love and snuggle us.

All in all, I'm thankful. : )

Happy New Year Everyone!!

Hope 2010 is starting off nice for everyone!

2009 was a great year for me, we definitely had some lows, but spending this past year with my sweet baby, and loving husband really made up for that!

I don't like to make resolutions because I suck at finishing things, however, these are my goals for this year, whether they are completed, or at least attempted! : )

1. Be more health-wise.

Since we have the wii, we can now monitor our weight, know the amount of calories burned, and just be overall more conscious of our health.

2. Be more green.

I have always ridden chance about not throwing trash out of his car window, etc; well now he has decided he wants us to recycle. I'm all for being green, so bring it on.

3. Finish school!

Since I'm only 3 semesters away, spring, summer, fall I should be done by December, given that I don't eff up and fail another class. While it won't do me any good for the current position I'm in, I will get more money and better benefits next year.

4. Pay off our debt.

We have 3 credit cards equalling about 6k total. Two of them we are really behind on from last year when Chance wasn't working, so my goal, and this is a short term goal, is to pay that shit off, like now. I will be getting 5k from my tuition refund, and the plan is to pay all of that toward credit card debt.

5. Start saving money.

Having a good paying job is like a double edged sword for me, because I've never had this much money, and thus want to spend it. Other than the phones and the wii, we have mostly splurged on things most people have, but we were too poor to buy when we started off in this house. So, new curtains, decorations, rugs, etc.

6. Get more things finished on the house.

We still need new windows, and central heat and air. Those are the biggies that would cut down on other expenses that really need done now.

7. Get a new car.

While buying a new car is the opposite of saving money, it would overall. I'm driving Chance's truck that he just had to have, and it gets like 15 mpg, maybe. It's an 04 Chevy, and we are still upside down on it. He was driving my car because it's just not as reliable, it's a Pontiac Sunfire. It's paid for as we got a really good deal, since it was wrecked and rebuilt. The plan with it is to trade it when we trade the truck and pray it balances out the upside down-ness. So, a new car would get twice as much mpg, and since I'm driving 100 miles a day it would make my payment plus gas cost about equal.

Was going for 10, but just can't get there! lol

Anyway, those are my goals for 2010. What are yours?

Being a good samaritan

In case you didn't know, Oklahoma had it's worst snow in one day last week, on Christmas Eve. Thankfully, everyone in my family made it safely to my grandpa's thanks for 4wd, well except for my sister, who made it safely, but only after being pulled up a hill by a farmer.

Yesterday, it was ten times worse, as the temps are getting up to 40, and then all the slush is packing down to ice and refreezing on the hills. As we were heading up this steep, but staggered hill, we saw that there were 2 cars in the ditch, and one flipped over. Then we saw that there were people climbing out of the one flipped over.

I told Chance to pull over and I ran over to them, only falling once on the slick hill. : ) I get there and it's three kids, and their older father. The littlest girl is just in hysterics, she was probably 4 or 5, the middle boy was 7 or 8, and I think he was impressed, and the oldest girl, who I think was probably the surrogate mom, was in shock. She was 12 or 13. The dad was in major shock. I started gathering these kids up, as they are bleeding, and/or crying. I looked at him and said, I'm taking your kids up there. He never even looked at me.

I used snow and McDonald's napkins to clean their cuts as we waited in our warm truck for the wrecker and ambulance. Archer was extremely curious as to what these kids were doing in the backseat with him. I tried to talk to them, and the girls were still pretty shaken up, so the boy answered most of the questions. He was abuzz with excitement, maybe because he was a boy, or maybe just the age; but his response was so extremely different from his sisters.

The whole rest of the way to Chance's parents I was on edge. Even though we have giant tires and 4wd, I was just scared and anxious that something would happen. It's kind of funny how we can be so oblivious to even the most obvious thing. Like, this is the 2nd time we've stopped to help someone who had rolled over on ice, and it made me feel a little more unsure about being out on the ice both times, even though Chance assured me we were safe.

Of course, later then he got his miniature monster truck stuck in mud and snow, which had me a little panicked. "If he can get stuck, surely we can wreck on ice too" was rushing through my mind. I guess I'm just a panicker.

Either way, made it home safely, roads were salted, sanded, and even a little dirt and hay were strewn about. Now, lets hope there's no snow next week like Jed is saying!

Wall Decorations for Bedroom

Just wanted to share pictures of the decorations I bought.

I love this one.

Redecorating my bedroom!

While I do realize it's probably dumb to buy things to decorate with this close to Christmas, everything is on sale at Hobby Lobby. I never really got to decorate our house because we were just too stinking poor to do it before now.

So, I went with my mom yesterday so that she could buy her Dirty Santa present for my Poppy's house and I got some things for the living room and the bedroom.

I think I want to do the bedroom in vintage prints and black and white, so I got this frame that says I Love You and J'taime all over it. It's metal and painted a distressed white. I also got this chandelier print with red and a bird on it.

While browsing last night, I found this awesome comforter at walmart. And this neat chandelier at Target.

The chandelier says it's best used in a hallway, but I'm not convinced. : )

I told Chance I would wait until my next pay period to splurge on all of this, but I really want it now!!

Sometimes something intervenes?

Whether you believe in God, fate, or whatever, you have to admit that coincidinces sometimes just seem to good to be true.

As you know, I have been studying my butt off because of my extreme procratinator tendencies. Well, earlier today, one of the Hb momma's had an application post something into the news feed. It was called God Wants you to Know Today (or something similar). The post said, God wants you to know that your stress and worries are best turned over to him. Give over your anxieties of the future and rest well tonight. The post almost got a little horoscope-ish, or even fortune cookie-ish, but it was what I needed to hear.

While I'm still studying, and reading my book, I'm not going to be anxious about it. If I fail this class, then I'll take it again next semester. As sucky as that is, it's life I guess.

And while my mind is not as stressed, I wish it would send a message to my rock hard, aching shoulders to release a little of the hold they have on me.

School Stress

So, I'm on the verge of freaking out.

I still have 12 quizzes left to do BY MONDAY for one of my stinking online classes, and the site is down.

I can read and study, whatever, but the quizzes have to be finished before I can take the exam.

I hate that I am such an awful procrastinator. It is my fault for sure, but this class is a little different. I didn't get the $150 book for a long time because my scholarship foundation took forever to pay me; and even though I started work in September, I didn't get paid until November.

Ugh, I need a massage to release some of the massive tension.

I am so completely overwhelmed...

I am kicking myself in the behind for not staying on top of my homework all through the year on these dang online classes!

I have two tests to take, 12 quizzes, and several discussions/observations to turn in. I can take an incomplete in only one class to continue recieving funding. I asked the teacher for my psych class if he would let me take an incomplete through break, I pray that he does.

Otherwise, this is going to be the strictest most hard core weekend ever.

How many words?

I was starting to worry about Archer and his word level being too low. But just in the past few weeks his language skills have exploded.

Here are the real words he's using:
-Mama
-Daddy
-Gigi
-Perpaw
-Papa
-Ami (My sister's name is Kami)
-Baby
-Hi
-Hey
-Bye
-BeBe (While pointing to his belly button)
-Whassat
-Wanit
-Poopy (When asked if he's poopy he says it, but doesn't tell us)
-No
-Numnum (For food)
-Cookie
-Cracker

Psuedo Words
-GooGoo (For something to eat or drink, it's multi purpose.)

Got some great news today!

After basically deciding that after this spring I was going to stop going to school for a while, I learned today that I only have spring, summer, and then my practicum this fall. While a year really and truly is a long time, when you break it down like that, it doesn't seem that long. Of course, all the papers and tests, and driving will suck, but at least I will get more and a better job out of it in the long run! : )

After I talked to my advisor, I talked to one of the counselors at my school who said he would be happy to help me! I even talked to my supervisor about staying at this school and not having to change in the fall so that I can do my practicum there, and she said that was doable!

I'm really excited. I would be even more excited if not for the fact that tomorrow consists of homework ALL DAY!

I hate Christmas...

Well, not the holiday, and definitely not the meaning I hold true to; but most definitely the commerical aspect of it.

Don't get me wrong, for the first time EVER we can afford to blow a little money on our neices and nephews. We got Archer 2 little presents and a big one.

The stinky thing is, we spent $270!! That's only $20 a kid (plus the $10 I put in the salvation army bucket), and then Archer's presents. I immediately called my sister and told her to stop reproducing, I couldn't afford to buy gifts for her children. (Jokingly only, mostly)

I hate that society makes me feel bad for not doing this. I hate that we as a society let ourselves be sucked into this, we must spend money on our and other children. That's just not the way I want to be. I want my child to appreciate the meaning I hold dear to Christmas, and if for some reason, he chooses not to follow my beliefs, I would at least like for him to hone in on the importance of spending time with family, not blowing obscene amounts of money on gifts.

There's my soap box for the day.

On the upside, I have the gift for my grandpa's house (we play Dirty Santa), Archer's, Chance's, and our families. So, even though I gave in to the norm and spent money my heart just wasn't in, I only have two more things to buy! lol

Friends

You know those people you can really let it all hang out and be the real you around. My best friend is the kind of person that I can tell anything to. We have mutual friends, and it's not a big deal.

I have this other friend, who I love. She is literally like sunshine. the problem with that is, everyone loves her. She has more friends than I even know of people. This is the girl I have previously referred to as Alice Cullen.

I was invited to a surprise birthday party for her by her best friend from HS. She knows something is going on, not sure what exactly, but she knows of something, and begged that I come. We haven't seen each other in a few months. I would love to see her, but I'm just not sure if I fit in with the rest of her friends. We do have mutual friends, and I have met most of the ones I'm not friends with, I just am not interested in being at a dinner with a bunch of people I feel are going to stare at me, KWIM?

Hopefully, it won't be like what I am dreading. Plus my BFF is going with me for moral support!! : )