Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Feeling a lot?

Lately I've really been feeling as though there is so much more I should be doing, just with my life in general. I feel like I'm getting behind, that everything is just moving too fast for me to even stand up straight, more or less move with it.

I am more than blessed to even be given the opportunity to get to stay at home and take care of my son, my husband and my house. Mostly, I do it so that I get to wake up and see my smiley boys face and play with him all day, but the other reasons are part of it.

The thing is, financially, if I were working we would be in such a better place, our income would be basically doubled. We are surviving, we can afford groceries and gas and basic necessities, but we don't eat out. We don't really go out. Archer has a lot of hand me down toys, but I don't let myself care about that, because really he could care less. I like to think that he will one day look back and be glad that he got to spend time with his mommy and not even think about those used toys.

My biggest issue with my situation is, Chance works long days at a job that he really isn't that enthusiastic about. He has been paying 100% of our bills since 2006. He does it because it's necessary. Of course, back then he payed the bills and my extra scholarship money and my income from my extremely part time job was blown on stuff like video games, dates, clothes, and whatever other fun stuff we wanted to do.

I'm not saying this in a deragtory way, but I am smarter than him. I am academically smart, and he can build or fix whatever you want. Statistically, I should be making more money than him. But, I'm not making anything.

I was called to a job interview last week that I didn't go to. It was an education and work counselor at one of the tribal offices nearby. Honestly, that's not my ideal work situation, I'm not sure why I applied, but I did.

Chance was really upset that I didn't want to go to the interview; he didn't say much, he just pouted about it. I really felt like I didn't know anything about the job and didn't want to go interview for something I knew nothing about. Plus I didn't want to go and interview only to be turned down again.

I completely understand why I didn't get every single teaching position I didn't get. The very first interview I went on, the school didn't have the budget to hire anyone, otherwise I would have had the job. The second one my sister told me about, it was at the job she had been a secretary at. I really wasn't qualified for it yet. I hadn't even taken the test, but I had scheduled it for later that month. The third I was qualified, but not "Highly Qualified" per NCLB standards.

The last school I applied at still has open positions listed in the newspaper, but I haven't heard anything from them, which sucks. I always have really great self confidence, but my professional confidence is a little bruised. I just feel like I need to be doing so much more with myself, for myself and my family.

After saying here and telling my friend who works for the school system I last applied at that I hadn't heard anything, I got a call from them 10 minutes ago to come interview Friday. Now I'm freaked!


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