Happy Birthday Archer

Happy Birthday to my sweet, crazy, bossy six year old! 

Is it possible that you're six? Or so ridiculously handsome? Or SO long legged? It seems unreal to me. 

I can remember very clearly holding you for the first time (and saying out loud that you looked just like Perpaw). You were a good baby. You didn't cry all the time (like your brother). You grew so fast and now suddenly you're a big boy. 

My sweet boy. I love how generous you can be (when you want to be). I love that you are so helpful and try so hard to make others happy. You're such a sensitive kid who is aware of others feelings. I love that you still like snuggles and aren't too big for hugs and kisses before school.

 

I love your silly self. You never cease to entertain me. You're quick witted and never miss a joke. You have the funniest faces I've ever seen. 

 

You've put us through quite a roller coaster already, but I can't wait to see what life is going gift us with in the future. Thank you for loving me and being mine. 

Love Momma. <3

End of Summer

It's the last Saturday night of Summer break and I've been reminiscing about my time off of work. 

The last weekend in May my boys, mom, and niece and nephew went to a baby shower and got to see family we haven't in a while.

The first weekend in June was my 10 year class reunion. Five of the nineteen people I graduated with showed up. We still had tons of fun and definitely shouldn't wait 10 years to do it again.

Three days after the reunion, my little family went to Colorado. It was a bit of a hectic trip to plan, pack, load, and drive the first leg of the trip by myself, but I had some help from family that made it easier. We had SO much fun. The food was great, the boys loved being outdoors and walking around. The weather was fantastic, I'm missing the river cooled air for sure this week. And the hot tub on the deck of our cabin was pretty great too.

We spent 5 days away and came home to hot weather. The following week Chance left for work. They boys and I drove up that weekend to see him and take food for him and the guys at work. We stopped to have dinner and a playdate with my sweet friend and her kiddos. Archer still says he and Lyvi are getting married. Aimes was too busy following Archer to play with Foster, but I know when they're bigger they'll be best friends. 

Chance's next days off were my family reunion. We hit a slight bump in the road that day when my almost brand new galaxy broke. :( Then we headed down to Quartz Mountain and spent 5 days with my really awesome family. The weather was great, it wasn't the hottest place on earth, like it usually is and we had a lot of fun. 

I snapped this shot of Chance and Foster, who immediately upon walking into the kitchen demanded to take a "bap" in the "bink." I'm not sure if he heard someone say it or saw pictures, but it's definitely a family tradition to take a bath in the stainless steal sinks when your little. Anyway, this is something I'll cherish.

The last few weeks of June and early weeks of July were a little more relaxed and less chaotic. The only thing we really had planned was a trip to NYC, just Chance and I. Archer was so upset that he was being left, then when I called he was too busy to talk to me. Foster asked to "go 'om" when he talked to me, which was sweet and he ran up for hugs as soon as we got back. I definitely missed them, but the time alone was so refreshing and I LOVE New York City. I would go every year if I could afford it. 

The last few days of July and the first few days of August I went to my classroom and helped with enrollment. Got my desk where I wanted it, saw my schedule, and got all geared up for the new school year.

I'll post more in-depth vacation posts soon, I just wanted to get something up to remember my summer as a whole.

It was one of the best I can remember. It never got too hot, we got plenty of rain and my boys loved playing in it when it wasn't storming. It was a great balance between spending quality down time at home watching Harry Potter with Archer and snuggling with Foster and getting out and staying busy.

I'm going to miss my boys so much and the chaos of being the only caregiver two weeks a month really wears me down, but knowing I can look forward to next summer makes it all worth it. I can only hope it was as great as this one.

Emotions

Everyone has been telling us how strong we've been.

I guess I'm unsure how we were supposed to be. Who has time to cry? I let myself shed a few tears alone in the parking garage, but I had to get it together and go feed my baby.

I didn't fall apart because I didn't have that luxury. I didn't break down and cry because it wouldn't have done me or him any good. I needed his environment to be calm and secure more than I needed to indulge in my deep fears. All I cared about was being positive and calm, that's what my precious fearful boy needed.

I have been religious my entire life, I grew up in a small church and those values have steered me every step of the way. That faith allowed me to believe that everything would be ok. I prayed constantly for peace, acceptance of God's will and calm. It's very hard not to ask for what you want, but it was more important to me to feel calm and prepared than to ask for healing that might not have been a part of God's plan. I feel like we were truly walking by faith. We had no control, so we prayed.

If you've ever used the phrase "emotional roller coaster," let me tell you, I've been on one. We went from, "large mass" to "brain surgery" to "all clear" (with lots of waiting in between) in less than a week, there really aren't much higher highs or lower lows.

I still sit and wonder if it all really happened. Did we really go through all of that? The shock is overwhelming. I can tell you a list of emotions I've felt, but numb might be the top one. Calm. Determined. Shocked. Scared. Sad. Elated. Probably the entire spectrum.

Hospital Timeline

We were admitted Monday night, unsure of our future but certain that Archer would have an MRI Tuesday morning. It was a restless night for all of us, but especially him.

Tuesday morning came early, 4:30 for Archer and I and brought a neuro surgery team. There were 4 or 5 of them. They addressed Chance and I, didn't introduce themselves to Archer, and told us surgery would be at 9 the next morning. He went down for his MRI soon after, and we waited for results all day. We didn't hear anything.

Tuesday night was sleepless for me, wondering and worrying. The MRI would determine if the spinal column was clear and it was frustrating to know that someone had the answer to that question and they weren't telling us.

Wednesday morning came early again, the 4 am vitals check woke him for the second day in a row. Around 8 the neuro team came in again, after my family arrived and showed us an MRI of a very large tumor above the left ear, spinal column was clear. My first little breath.

They took us back to holding before surgery soon and our little guy was too quickly being pried off of me and taken into surgery. The wait began. It was estimated at 6 hours.

We sat in the waiting room surrounded by family and close friends. It was an amazing feeling, knowing that so many people cared so much for us to sit vigil while we waited for news.

Less than 4 hours later the nurse called. Her voice was neutral when she said, "They're closing up, if you want to go to the third floor Dr Gross will be in to talk to you." My stomach dropped. It was too soon. She didn't say anything positive. She didn't say he was stable, she didn't say it went well.

Chance and I went down stairs to wait. It was the longest 30 minutes of my life. Then the doctor walks in with a smile and I breathed in for the first time in hours. The tumor was out, my baby was fine, she believes it's benign. Relief flooded through me and Chance says I exploded verbally. I felt it happening, but I couldn't stop. I didn't know what to ask, but I wanted to make sure she wasn't going to change her mind.

We were allowed to go into recovery one at a time. He was crying when I got in there, and that was a helpless feeling. He was so afraid and I just wanted to get in bed with him and hold him. I was scared too. He looked different and had this scary incision mark and I couldn't help.

I followed him up to the PICU and then we waited again. Waited for him to wake up and be well enough to move to a regular room.

He didn't really wake until late that night. He was in pain and he was upset. He was scared of the nurses and doctors. He flinched when they came in. We got no rest.

Thursday brought another MRI and a move back to a regular room. The second MRI was clear, the doctor had gotten the entire tumor out. I breathed again.

We had more visitors that night, and he seemed to be doing ok. Then Chance decided he was running a fever and he had to go home. Archer slept very little and jumped like he was falling every time he went to sleep. I slept at the foot of his bed because he needed me close and I was afraid of hurting him.

On Friday the swelling became worse. He withdrew, his speech was affected and he was scared to pee. His pain seemed low, and he was only taking Tylenol. He had lots of visitors, but he wasn't interactive. The physical therapist came and brought a wheel chair for him to tour around in She made him walk from his chair to me and sit in my lap out of bed. He still hadn't eaten and they wanted him to eat something. He decided he would rather climb out of the chair with me than eat. It made me giggle because he said "Go away." to his tray and pushed it. Then he started sliding out of my lap in an effort to get in bed. Then he told me to go away because he didn't want me telling him to eat. The speech path came by and checked his swallow, which seemed normal. He just needed to eat. Later that day he said he was hungry, he just couldn't find the words to tell me what he wanted. I made a picture album on his iPad so he could point to some food items, still nothing. Chance's cousin came by that night with his favorite kind of apple sauce. I had tried a similar one early in the day, but it wasn't our normal brand.

Saturday Chance came back, bringing more applesauce. We had tons of visitors bring every food imaginable, but all he wanted was the GoGo Squeeze applesauce. By 6pm he had eaten a small box of them and tried a few other things. My cousin went for more. That night he was still having a hard time expressing his needs and he was still in constant fear of moving his IV arm and the nurses.

Sunday morning was the best. He ate his breakfast, drank some milk, had a few bites of eggs and biscuit. And more applesauce. When the doctors came by they said they saw no reason why he couldn't go home. We were ecstatic. We got some lunch and waited for my family to bring Foster and help us load everything we had accumulated. His speech was slowly improving and he was getting up more.

It was the end of one journey and the beginning of another.

Stay tuned tomorrow for the emotional side of this timeline.

February 4th 2013, Part One

Today the bottom of my world fell out from underneath my feet.

After weeks of him just not quite being himself, we took our oldest son to the emergency room at Children's hospital for some tests. We were triaged in quickly and within two hours had a ct scan and terrible news.

He has a large mass on the left side of his brain. We don't know anything else at this point.

I feel as though someone punched me in the stomach. Hard. I don't want this for my little guy. I want him to grow to be big and strong and not have to deal with this pain and fear. I want him to be happy and healthy.

I am so scared. How do you tell other people that your baby has something like this happening? How do you recover? I'm so heartbroken and sad, but I know more than anything he needs a strong happy momma. So that's what I'll be for him.

(Write's note: I wrote this Monday night at the hospital, I just wanted to make sure everyone knew before I shared it.)

4th Birthday and Questions

Today was Archer's 4th Birthday!! He kept saying, I'm still the birthday boy. He didn't quite understand that his party was Friday and his birthday was today, but it was cute that he was hanging on to his birthday all weekend. I like having a birthday week too, so can't say that I blame him. :) 

His teacher sets it up so that their birthday is their assigned snack day, so we took cupcakes and juice. I didn't get one of him looking, but here he is at school! 

We had his party on Friday, but today we had a little celebration at home, just us. When he came in from school he was surprised with his presents. 

Then we had lasagna for dinner, not his request but something he always eats well. And since his candle blowing at his party didn't really work out (too windy), we did it again at home and sang happy birthday. He loves being sang happy birthday to. :)

When it was bed time Mommy read him 4 of his new books, snuggled, and sent him to snuggle with Daddy since he leaves tomorrow for work. But just before bed, I asked these birthday questions. I found these after his 3rd birthday but I asked them this winter so that we would have something to compare to this birthday. It is so neat to see the difference just a few months made in his answers. 

1. What is your favorite color? Red, blue
2. What is your favorite toy? The dragon and the knights
3. What is your favorite fruit? Apples
4. What is your favorite tv show? Pocoyo
5. What is your favorite thing to eat for lunch? Raviolis
6. What is your favorite outfit? Batman
7. What is your favorite game? Hide n Go Seek
8. What is your favorite snack? Grapes
9. What is your favorite animal? My sheep (when asked for a "real animal" he said, A real sheep)
10. What is your favorite song? Imma Be
11. What is your favorite book? Batman
12. Who is your best friend? Rysen (Brysen)
13. What is your favorite cereal? The one with marshmallows in
14. What is your favorite thing to do outside? Slide, play in my sandbox too
15. What is your favorite drink? Tea
16. What is your favorite holiday? Christmas
17. What do you like to take to bed with you at night? Georgie
18. What is your favorite thing to eat for breakfast? Oatmeal
19. What do you want for dinner on your birthday? Cake
20. What do you want to be when you grow up? Superman
21. Who is your favorite superhero? Batman

Happy Birthday to my big boy! Mommy loves you so much. :) 

Party Time!

Today was Archer's big 4th birthday party! He had so much fun and I'm relieved baby brother didn't interrupt our party plans.

This year we had a superhero theme. I didn't do nearly as much as last year, just a few balloons and primary colors everywhere.

The cupcakes were banana flavored with banana cream cheese icing (which melted with the addition of the food coloring) and funfetti with whipped icing. The toppers were little rings. It was super messy. lol

We only played one game this year, which was spray the bad guy. The kids were rounded up and sprayed cartoon villains with silly string. I found the idea on a blog and pinned it here. It was a little difficult to maneuver with a ton of kids, my advice would be to use water guns and laminated pictures and make it a race or something. But we had lots of littles, so I just let them share the silly string and spray at random.

The party was fun, stressful, and not something I ever plan to do 9 months pregnant again. I love going all out for birthdays and I just didn't have the energy this year. I wanted to do so much more game wise and decoration wise, but Archer was thrilled. My mom picked him up from school and he walked up to the party just a few minutes early saying, "It's Archer's party day!" Made my heart happy.

We're going to have another birthday bash at home on Monday with a few presents and his favorite dinner. It was a great day and this pregnant momma is worn out. More later. :)

Nursery To Do

My husband comes home tomorrow and I'm sure he's going to immediately ask what I've been doing for two weeks. The yard is a wreck, the house is a wreck, and the nursery is still exactly as he left it, with the exception of a rug on the floor. There is still so much to do, but I'm just not sure where to start and I can't seem to find the energy to do any of it. I decided today, maybe if I made a physical list I could actually accomplish something in the next two days.

1. Get excess stuff out of closet
2. Hang new closet bar
3. Put up closet organizer
4. Hang curtain
5. Hang decor
6. Move small dresser to baby's room
7. Put lamp up
8. Hang shelves
9.

However, my first bullet needs to be: Find a place to put all the crap in that closet. I just need more room.

And if we're being honest, we both know I spent time writing this blog to avoid actually doing the work. :)

After School Update

I promised an update this afternoon, so here is what I have.

He had fun, but he didn't play with anyone. No one would play with him so he played Captain Hook alone. He also didn't touch his lunchbox or use his blanket for his nap. He said they didn't let him take his lunch or get his blanket. He also told me all he ate today was pancakes and a yogurt, so I have no idea if he got a plate at lunch and just didn't eat it or what. He did eat his entire lunch as soon as he walked in the door, so he was definitely hungry.

He said he was sad when I left, so I told him tomorrow we would go super early so I could talk to his teacher and then have time to say goodbye. And now he's currently taking a nap on his bedroom floor. :)

First day!!

Well, today was the day. My baby boy's very first day of school. Until now he has either been at home with me or in an at-home daycare. This is a major transition, for Archer and Mom.

Last night he wasn't tired and fought sleep until nearly 10. He of course slept with mom, because dad is at work. He didn't even consider sleeping in his own room. :)

Our alarm went off at a very early 7 am and he begged for "2 more minutes" so I relented and gave him until 7:10. When I told him it was time for oatmeal he hopped out of bed and ran to get his robe to keep warm while I made lunch.

After breakfast we got dressed, brushed teeth and went outside to take some pictures! 

He was very excited the entire way to school and seemed fine when I took him in. We put his back pack and lunch in his locker. George the bear went too, he was to stay in the locker until nap time (which should be right now). He didn't cry at all, though he seemed a little leery of staying alone. Mommy may have shed a few tears, but not a lot. We were ok! 

Pick up is at 2:45 and I can't wait to hear how his day was. 

Stressing

Just in case you hadn't noticed by my recent posts, I'm stressing a lot about what's going to happen when baby gets here. 

If it's a normal healthy delivery, I don't mind visitors at the hospital once we're settled in a private room. With Archer the waiting room was packed full from 10am until late evening when I was finally able to move to a single room. I hadn't eaten in over 24 hours and felt terrible. I was all drugged out and just watching people pass him around and it was so uncomfortable. However, hospitals are neutral ground and people don't feel compelled to stay around forever so it's really ok. 

My biggest concern is coming home and not being able to feed or pump comfortably in my own home because people will want to come and visit for hours, not just the baby but Chance too, since he's gone a lot. I know people will want to see the baby, but when he needs to be fed every 2 hours and I'm going to try pumping too, it's just not going to be conducive to visits involving much "chatting." 

Chance thinks I'm nuts since I've done all of this before, and maybe I am, but I can't seem to stop. It drives me insane when people complain about stressors they can't control, so I promise I'm done. I feel a lot better now that I've gotten it out. I've talked to Chance and a few other friends and I really do feel better. I'm making a plan and he's promised to be the bad guy if need be. I love him for it, he knows I'm a chicken. 

I would expect one more post on this matter, laying out the plan, but other than that, I'm done. Thanks for listening. 

When baby comes...

I'm going to tell you a secret. Well, it might not be a secret for some of you, but it's not anything I've ever said out loud before. 

When Archer was first born, other than the whirlwind of emotions from just having a newborn baby and being exhausted, I was exhausted from spending extra time in the hospital (NICU parents, my heart goes out to you indefinitely) and I wanted to get to my home so that I could learn what life was like with a new baby. When I got home there were well intentioned visitors at my house which was ok for the first hour or so, because it allowed me time to shower and eat. 

After that first day, the constant stream of visitors really wore me down. I really just wanted time alone with my baby to learn what in the world I was supposed to do. Why wasn't he eating, why didn't I have enough milk, when would I ever sleep again? It was so stressful and overwhelming. My baby wasn't getting any bigger and I was really just freaking out. 

The people who came to visit were most likely met with me running to my room, a messy house, and I was struggling to hold it all together and take care of myself and a new baby. I know I cooked a few times, but other than that, I couldn't tell you what Chance ate or if he did. 

I wasn't a very good hostess. I was really upset that people kept coming and wanting to hold this baby that I was supposed to be feeding every hour. I needed help with other things, but holding the baby wasn't one of them. That feeling, knowing it would be happening again, knowing I'm going to feel so territorial and stressed has been causing me anxiety from the moment I found out I was pregnant again. I try not to stress about stuff like that, but those emotions were so strong that I'm not ready to feel that way again. 

When I tried to talk to Chance about it, he said he wasn't sure why I was stressing, I've done it all before. Sure, but I did it all before without having to worry about getting up and getting a 4 year old ready for school or feeding him or ensuring that he has enough time and attention. I want to be successful at breast feeding and that means better habits at the beginning, which is going to be even harder with a preschooler. 

It's going to be harder this time because I may or may not have help, depending on Chance's work schedule. I might be doing it all on my own right away, and I'll need so much help. 

I'm saying all of this to say, I'm not against people coming over. I know they want to see the baby. But before I have guests coming over to hold and spend time with my baby, I need time to be a mother. I don't need people holding him, I need people cooking dinner so that I don't have to loading the dishwasher, folding clothes or tossing something in the washer, going to the store for groceries or whatever, taking Archer to play at the park or just giving him one on one time. I'm terrible at asking for help, and chances are, I won't. I'll sit and cry in my overemotional state. 

Breastfeeding is hard and I'm so anxious to do it in front of people, I need privacy. I've never really pumped before, but definitely plan to this time, so I imagine I'll just be living in my bedroom until I can get the hang of it again in peace and privacy. 

I found this blog early in my pregnancy and it put words to so many things I felt. I think it goes a little further than I would, but the bare bones are such great ideas. 

I'm not saying I think every visitor who comes to my house should come expecting to clean and not be spoken to, without getting to hold the baby. I just ask that everyone be respectful of the time they spend and please try to be somewhat helpful without expecting me to entertain you or let you hold my baby for long periods of time. Have patience with me, because I'm going to be on an emotional roller coaster and most likely will not have patience for anyone. 

The Good Parts

Last week I posted about the bad things we experience during pregnancy. Let's be honest, there are things about being pregnant that aren't awesome. It's not all rainbows and bunnies. 

That doesn't mean I'm miserable the entire time or I don't enjoy the experience. It's just honesty. I'm at the point right now where I would so much rather have a baby in my arms than my abdomen. I'm just ready to get on with it, not feel anxious about what's going to happen or where my husband will be when it does. I'm ready for him to get here so Archer can get used to life with our new family so he can stop feeling anxious about his place in life. I am, and I don't really think that's bad.

I also will miss this entire experience. This will be our last baby, or at least my last pregnancy. If we could adopt some day, we might, but it will all depend on where we are financially in 10 years. I love being pregnant, like I said, I really don't have such a terrible time. I'm not throwing up the entire first few months, I don't have horrible symptoms, and I love feeling a little tiny person growing inside me. 

It makes me sad to know once he's out, I'll never feel a little foot kick again. Getting to experience being pregnant is amazing, and I'm fully aware that it's something denied to so many. It breaks my heart for them because it really is something great. I don't take it for granted even when I'm ready for a baby instead of a belly. 

Surprises!!

Having online friends (most of whom you've never met) is a really crazy experience. You get to meet these people from all over the country (and world) with completely different world views, values, and skills. 

As it turns out, I have this friend who can knit (and crochet, and sew and is overall crafty). 

A few months ago I found this adorable little fox newborn prop, and since baby's room is decorated in woodland creatures, emphasis on adorable little foxes, I decided I needed it. I talked to my friend who can knit, and we talked about her making it, etc. That was before I quit my job and had less realistic expectations of what I should be spending considering I was about to be income-less. 

Fast forward to a few weeks ago, I found a little fox ear hat and decided that I would be satisfied with that. I needed to spend a little less money and the hat was an adorable compromise. So again, I messaged my friend and she said she could definitely do it, no big deal and she would get started on it soon. 

She was done asap, and shipped it out. It arrived in the mail today. 

Is this not the most adorable hat you've ever seen? (Just say yes)

But as I was pulling out the hat, I noticed there was something else in the envelope. Turns out my friend, my sweet amazing friend also made the adorable newborn photo prop as well. 

Doesn't she know suprising pregnant people makes them cry? (I didn't take a picture of that. lol)

I am so excited and SO blessed to have received such a gift! I will make sure to take lots of pictures of my sweet baby boy in his adorable little prop and post them up in his room for all to see. It's wonderful and amazing! Thanks Devin! 

(Devin has an etsy shop that does custom orders and has some products in stock. She does an amazing job. I'm planning to order a hat for big brother now too. :))